


Fixing a Hole

by BlackwatchAgent



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 12:48:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24969979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackwatchAgent/pseuds/BlackwatchAgent
Summary: After Kaidan leaves her on Horizon, Shepard is left with the task of putting herself back together. Her favorite Turian is always there to help but it won't be simple. It's never simple. ME2-ME3 spoilers.Originally this story was written in 2012 for ff.net but I needed to rework it before I was willing to start posting again. I'm still not entirely happy with the first few chapters but it is significantly better than the original work written when I was 21.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	1. Betrayal

**Chapter 1:Betrayal**

‘Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up. I have had enough of this colony.’

Shepard could barely contain her rage long enough to utter the words. Kaidan was essentially accusing her of treason. She loved him and she thought that he loved her in return. Now though, his words raked through her mind and left a bitter taste in her mouth.

_ ‘You betrayed me.’ _

_ I betrayed you? How the hell did I do that? I didn't exactly have a choice in the matter now, did I? I was dead! _

These were the things that Shepard wanted to shout at Kaidan but he made his stance clear. He didn't trust Shepard, and he would never join her as long as she flew Cerberus colors.

_ Cerberus _ . The name made Shepard's stomach churn. She had seen the atrocities they had committed; Thorian creepers, Rachni, Thresher Maws. These people were sick. She hated Cerberus. Kaidan's words stung because they were so close to the truth. She constantly questioned her judgment. What if Cerberus was manipulating her?

Fuck that was such a cop out. The truth was, Shepard was trying to ignore the fact that she loved Kaidan. She was  _ in love _ with Kaidan. To her, a few weeks had passed since they last spoke to one another, last held each other. Shepard was a soldier, she couldn't be weak, and swooning over a lost lover would definitely be a sign of weakness.

The shuttle ride back to the Normandy was excruciatingly long. Shepard wanted to be alone, mostly so she wouldn't have to maintain a straight face. In her career she had become accustomed to hiding behind the façade of Commander Shepard and there were times where the weight of that mask was too much. Right now, with the eyes of her team boring into her, she was breaking. 

Jacob, in all honesty, seemed rather oblivious to her inner turmoil, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. Garrus on the other hand… Well, Garrus knew everything about her and she could see the worry in his ice blue eyes. She wished he would stop looking at her, but his eyes never wavered.

The strength of his gaze was too much and Shepard struggled not to wring her hands. She willed the shuttle to move faster. She needed to be alone.

When the Shuttle finally reached the Normandy Shepard moved faster than Garrus thought was humanly possible. She wanted out of the shuttle and no one was going to stop her. He knew that her reunion with Kaidan was a total disaster. Garrus wanted to help but had no reference for where to start; so he watched his commander. He knew her tells better than anyone, and right now she was in pain. She was biting her lip and he could swear that her eyes were watering.

It suddenly dawned on Garrus that she was probably the most upset he had ever seen her. She had lost soldiers and had tough battles, sure. She lost Ash, and was never the same after. But Garrus had never seen someone blatantly walk away from Commander Shepard, let alone treat her as if she were the enemy. At least not someone she had been so close to.

Garrus struggled with what to do. He felt a strong desire to comfort Shepard, protect her from the pain. Kaidan was such an idiot. Shepard deserved better, she deserved nothing but the best.

Garrus struggled for something to say as he reached out for Shepard's arm.

'Shep…' But before he could finish her name, she was gone.

Shepard was in the elevator before her squad had left the shuttle. She couldn't handle the debriefing right now or Garrus for that matter. His hand had just grazed her shoulder and that was the last straw. She didn't need pity. She needed a drink, a very strong drink.

The elevator opened to her quarters and she barreled in, leaving a string of armor pieces behind her. She didn't shower; it didn't seem important.  _ Damn, where the hell is the alcohol? _ She had a stash saved for special occasions, drinks with friends. She never intended it to be her refuge, but that's what it would be tonight. She found a half empty bottle of tequila in her desk. She questioned herself for a moment.  _ What the hell am I doing? I am better than this.  _ That is when she saw it.

Kaidan.

His picture was perched on her desk as it had been since she boarded the new Normandy. It wasn't his best picture, he was in armor and looked very serious, but it was him. At the time that's all that mattered to Shepard. But in the moments after Horizon, it reminded Shepard of all that they had been to each other. Kaidan was willing to throw away all of it for the Alliance. He didn't love her enough to put her before his duty. Scratch that he didn't love her, he 'loved' her. It was in the past for him. She meant little to him anymore. Fine, in some awful way, tonight would be her goodbye to Commander Kaidan Alenko.

'Here's to you, asshole.' The words had left Shepard's lips before she had time to think them through. She raised the tequila bottle and tapped the picture with it. She didn't feel the need to bother with a shot glass.

Garrus tried to sleep but couldn't. His thoughts would always return to Shepard. He walked from the crew quarters to the battery, forgetting to dress properly. It didn't really matter; he just needed the time to think. Thankfully no one was in the mess hall. The Cerberus crew probably wouldn't know what to do if they saw a shirtless Turian walking through the ship.

When he reached the battery Garrus was on the edge of frantic. Shepard was usually the strong one, he never saw her crack and now she was essentially falling apart.

Garrus paced. Normally the repeated action would help him clear his head but right now, he couldn't get past the horrified look he saw on Shepard's face while Alenko was talking. He needed to do something to help her. Shepard meant so much to him, he couldn't leave her alone. Not again.

He knew that his guilt was unfounded. Shepard had encouraged him to pursue Spectre training on the first Normandy. He reluctantly left at her urging and was on the Citadel when she died. The regret ate at him. 

_ If I had been there… _

Garrus had been down this trail before. He knew that she would have ordered him onto an escape pod. He wouldn’t have been able to do anything to save her. He couldn’t shake the regret though. After her memorial, he couldn’t bring himself to continue Spectre training. It all seemed pointless. 

Her finding him on Omega brought light back into his life. He hadn’t felt so at ease since before her death. He wanted to do the same for her now.

He thought about what to say. Everything crossed his mind.  _ Well that was bad. You deserve better. Move on soldier. _ None of it sounded right in his head.

He thought about the team, before Shepard had died. They were all so close and talking seemed like a breeze. He never got tongue tied around Shepard then. So, why was he lost now? Was everything really this different?

_ She died. _

He shook the thought. She was alive now and she was still Shepard. He racked his brain trying to find moments when he consoled Shepard before, but the only thing he could think of was Ash. The same tactics probably weren't going to work here. When Ash died, he offered her a drink and they sat in the Mako recalling all the missions they had ever been on with the Gunnery Chief. This situation was hardly similar. Remembering her time with Kaidan was one of the worst ways Garrus could think of to try and get past him.

_ Why is this so hard? _

Garrus gripped the console of the main battery until his knuckles were sore. He was making himself sick thinking that he couldn't help Shepard, again. He wasn't there to save her on the SR-1 and he wasn't there for her now.

He was a terrible friend. Shepard had convinced him to follow his dreams after defeating Saren. He listened because she was right, and then she died.

Garrus tried to move on but he couldn't get over her death. He spent most of his nights on the Citadel thinking about how she died. He blamed Joker for a long time. The day after Shepard's memorial, he left. He would honor her the only way he knew how, by making the galaxy a little better. That was how he ended up on Omega.

He tried to refocus. This wasn't supposed to be about his failings as a friend and spiraling through the same dark thoughts he had over the last two years wouldn’t change anything. Garrus needed to focus on how to cheer up Shepard… He still couldn't think of anything.

Shepard deserved more, so much more. More than Kaidan could ever offer her. More help from her friends. More trust front the Alliance and Council. Everyone expected so much from her, but never offered her anything in return. Garrus needed to do something, anything. Thinking like this was driving him insane.

He left the battery. He didn't know what he was going to do but he needed to do something.

Shepard finished the bottle. How could she let Kaidan walk away? He was the most important thing in her life and now he was gone. She should have run after him, tried to explain everything. She should have made him understand. The thought brought a new swell of tears to her eyes. She needed more alcohol.

She stumbled her way to the closet knocking over most of what was on her desk. Success! Behind most of the clothes Cerberus had given her she found another half empty bottle of… something. It was electric blue and the label was in Asari script. She didn't care enough to look up a translation.

She unhinged the cap and tried some of the tantalizing liquid. It warmed her chest for the briefest moment, and then it was gone. She drank more and more trying to retrieve that warmth. But it just wouldn't stick. Just like Kaidan, it left. God damn it, even her drink was reminding her of Kaidan. She was better than this…

She felt the tightness in her chest building again and it frustrated her to no end. Crying was so weak and Shepard couldn't bring herself to allow such weakness. But, in her current state, she couldn't fight away the tears either. She slid to the floor against the closet and allowed her legs to spread out in front of her.

The Asari drink didn't last very long. It had been nearly four hours since Horizon and Shepard had found absolutely no relief. In her frustration, she threw the empty bottle toward the far wall above the couch. The sound of shattered glass was the first satisfying thing to happen to her all day.

Garrus heard the glass breaking on the other side of the door and panicked. He didn't knock or even bother to announce himself. When he walked into Shepard's quarters she was sprawled out on the floor beside her bed.

Garrus was shocked. He had never seen his friend in such a state of disarray. Her eyes were glassy and bloodshot. There were tear tracts running down her face and he could smell alcohol all over the room.

He walked closer to her and she yelled at him to leave. The slurring of her words was so extreme that his translator glitched. How the hell was he going to help her like this?

'Shepard,' was all he could manage before she tried to hit him. She missed, rather terribly. He grasped her shoulders so she wouldn't try again and looked her straight in the eye.

'Kaidan is an ass.' It wasn't the most eloquent thing he could have said but it was the truth and it was how he felt. Seeing Shepard like this made him boil with anger. How could Kaidan do this to her?

Shepard was dumbfounded. Granted she had much too much alcohol and was pretty incoherent but Garrus had said just what she needed to hear. Someone thought Kaidan was wrong. Someone was on her side. She allowed herself to smile at him. It was brief simply because it exhausted her to be happy right now. She leaned her forehead into his chest. She hoped it would convey her appreciation

Garrus thought Shepard might have passed out against him but she was still shaking and he could hear her sobs, even if they were nearly silent.

She obviously hadn't showered after returning to the Normandy. She was still caked with sweat and blood from the brutal fight they had with the Collectors.

'Come on Shepard, we need to get you cleaned up.' Shepard merely nodded in agreement, her head rubbing against his chest. He helped her to her feet but there was no way she could support herself. He tried to shoulder some of her weight but the height difference made it too difficult. Finally, Garrus gave up and just picked the commander up like an infant and carried her to the bathroom. She didn't protest.

This was going to be more difficult than he thought. Shepard needed a shower, to sober up and to wash away all that had gone wrong that day. There was no way she could manage that on her own and he couldn't exactly help her without it becoming extremely awkward and/or compromising. He decided that if nothing else, she could sit on the shower floor and he could use a damp cloth to clean her up.

'Okay Shepard, stay here. I'll get a rag.' Why did he tell her to stay there? It wasn't like she could get up anyway. He searched her quarters for a washcloth and a towel. It took him a couple minutes but he found both.

'Found 'em. Now let me just…' His thought was lost upon seeing Shepard. She had shed most of her clothing. There were just scraps of fabric left, undergarments. Garrus didn't know what they were called exactly but it didn't really seem important.

He had seen half naked humans before while he worked for C-sec and when he was on Omega. Chora's Den and Afterlife weren't exactly known for modest attire but this was different. He was looking at Shepard. Heat rushed toward his face when he realized he was staring.

'Uh, Shepard?'

Shepard laid her head against the tile; it felt cool against her face. She was suddenly warm but it didn't comfort her. She felt suffocated by it. She was going to shower anyway right? She stripped away her uniform until she was only in a bra and underwear. She tossed her clothes toward the sink and waited for Garrus to return.

He looked confused, and tried to cover his eyes. Was he embarrassed? Shepard didn't have her wits about her to care.

'Garrusss. Get over here...It'sss not like I'm n-naked.'

'Shepard, you're pretty close.'

'And?'

Slowly Garrus yielded. He moved into the bathroom trying his best not to stare. Even in her current state there was something endearing about her. He didn't want to take his eyes off of her, what was wrong with him. He pushed the thought aside and went to the sink to wet the washcloth. Shepard had other ideas. She reached her hand up and hit the water on before Garrus could stop her. What was she doing? This was borderline ridiculous but Garrus abided, she was the most stubborn person he knew.

She needed him, he was her only friend right now and if that meant getting drenched in her shower so be it. He knelt down and began wiping off her face, being careful with her cuts and scrapes. She leaned into the pressure of his hand, it felt good. Garrus was almost certain Shepard was losing it. He was sure he was losing it. The situation was just too ridiculous.

Eventually squatting next to Shepard became painful and Garrus sat down next to her, allowing his sore legs to stretch. He began scrubbing the grime off her arms. She was remarkably like a child, unable to tend to herself. Garrus saw the pain in her face, even in her stupor and it tore at him in a way he wasn't prepared for. He needed to know just how far she'd fallen. He needed to know if she would ever be the same. He needed her to be alright.

'Shepard, are you gonna be okay?'

'I'm, not that bad am I? I mean I've had quite a few but…'

'That is not what I meant and you know it.' Garrus was quick to retort, he was worried and angry at the whole damn situation, especially Kaidan.

It was like someone opened a faucet. Shepard couldn't hold back and her head fell. She cried like she had never cried before. She didn't know what to do. She had never really been in love before and this was horrible. How could she get over this?

Garrus reached over and lifted her chin with one of his talons. He looked warm, caring. She felt horrible for subjecting Garrus to her weaknesses. He was the best thing in her life right now.

'I'm sorry; I shouldn't act like this,' was all she could mutter between her sobs. The room was swaying as she cried but all she could focus on was the pain she felt.

Garrus reached over to her and pulled her into an embrace. She noticed that he had no shirt on for the first time since he found her. She didn't care and she sank her head into his chest. It was warm and comfortable and yet she couldn't help but noticed how different he was; all angles and plates. She shifted her weight so that she could lean into him easily and wept in her friend's arms.

She never appreciated Garrus Vakarian more than she did in that moment.

Garrus didn't know why he drew Shepard into his arms, it seemed like it would be appropriate if it weren't for the lack of clothing. He couldn't help but chuckle imagining what they must look like; a half-naked Turian with a half-naked human in his lap, sitting on the floor of the bathroom with water spraying at them. It was utterly ridiculous. Shepard didn't seem to mind though, so he stayed there.

He promised himself that he would make her better; he would never see her broken like this again. Shepard was too important for this kind of treatment. She was special.

It was a long while later that Shepard finally stopped crying. At some point Garrus had turned off the water and wrapped her in a towel but they were still sitting on the floor, Shepard still in his lap. He rocked her back and forth gently in an attempt to sooth her. It was something his mother did when he was young and he truly enjoyed it. Maybe it would comfort her now.

'Shepard, you need to sleep this off.' She nodded in agreement.

Shepard was now able to stand on her own but walking was a different story. Garrus put his hand around her waist in lieu of carrying her. He couldn't help but notice how comfortable it was for his hand to be there, just above her hip. Her skin was soft and he tried his best not to scratch her. They made their way to the bed and Shepard seemed utterly exhausted. Garrus sat down with her for a moment and she looked at him. He still could see the tears in her eyes. A rush of anger filled him before she spoke. One day, he would kill Kaidan for this.

'Thank you.' The simple phrase caught him off guard. The entire time he was in her cabin he tried to figure out how to help. He thought he was failing but he helped her without realizing. She just needed someone to be there for her. She didn't need words, just a shoulder.

She pulled him into another embrace and he sat with her until she was ready to let go. He felt immense pride that his presence meant so much to Shepard. He felt needed.

After she pulled away he helped her get under the covers. As he turned to leave she called after him.

'Garrus, I… please stay.'

He didn't know what to say, what was she asking exactly?

'Shepard, I don't think it's a good idea.'

'Not like that… just ‘til I fall asleep. I can't be alone right now'.

Garrus could hear the desperation in Shepard's voice. She really did need someone to stay with her. After all, Shepard being alone is what caused this mess in the first place. He sat next to her in bed and she laid her head in his lap. He knew she wasn't okay, but at least she was better. At least he did something. He stroked her hair silently as she drifted off to sleep. He couldn't help but notice just how different it was from before. It was at least a foot longer and Shepard now wore it in a bun. It was the same chocolate color he had always known though, so at least something was the same. Garrus waited until Shepard was in a deep sleep before he dared to move. It was close to 0200 and he knew he should go. He slipped out from under her making sure her head found the pillow and started for the door.

The mess under Shepard's desk caught his attention. He began picking up the data pads as quietly as he could. There was a picture frame he hadn't noticed before and when he turned it over, he fumed at what he saw.

_ Kaidan. _

Garrus wanted to smash the frame to bits. He refrained but he placed it face down on Shepard's desk. If she really needed to see his face she'd turn it upright. And if she couldn't handle the sight of him, she wouldn't have to.

Garrus left analgesics and a glass of water on the nightstand by Shepard's bed. He looked at her one last time and he didn't want to leave. She looked at peace for the first time since she’d found him on Omega. He couldn't understand why he wanted to stay so badly, maybe he felt like she would revert to the way he found her. He carefully made his way to the battery. He still had a lot to think about.


	2. Home

**Chapter Two: Home**

_ Shepard was standing in the mess, absentmindedly leaning on the counter. Gardner was talking to her about how he ended up with Cerberus. She leaned toward him in an attempt to seem interested but she was more focused on the coffee in front of her. Gardner seemed to take the hint and excused himself, saying something about how late it was. _

_ Shepard's thoughts traveled to the mission. The Collectors were one thing, but she couldn't help worrying about how this played into the larger goal of the Reapers. _

_ She was startled when she felt a hand reach around her waist. Under normal circumstances its owner would be on the floor writhing in pain within seconds. This wasn't normal. The hand was warm, inviting and slowly she felt the owner breathe against her neck. She felt electric. Every touch made her tingle. Every breath made her shudder. She focused on the hands themselves. Nothing about them was familiar; the shape was completely unique. She was utterly entranced. _

_ The touch was gentle at first, exploring her waist and hips. She could feel the owner pressing their body against her back and nuzzling her neck. It was so foreign but not unwelcome. Then the hands were rough, spinning her around and shoving her against the counter. She looked up to see Garrus staring back at her. His eyes were full of desire, want. She pulled him into her far too happy to oblige. Clothes began to fall to the floor and she reveled in the feel of him against her. He was assertive and caring all at the same time and it exhilarated her. _

_ He lifted her by her thighs so she was balanced on the counters edge as he whispered into her ear. He wanted her. She wanted him. _

_ What the hell was that? _ Shepard sat straight up and immediately regretted the decision. There was a dull pounding in her head and sweat soaked through her sheets. She was in her bed but it took far too long for that realization to register. Why was she almost naked? Slowly, she began to recall the events of last night. Her cheeks flushed with frustration at her actions. What would Garrus think of her after all of that? She acted like a blubbering teenager, it was unbecoming and unlike her. And what the hell was that dream about? Garrus and her in the mess hall, it sounded like a bad plot twist from a romance vid.

She turned her head to check the time, and she saw the two tiny pills set next to a glass of water. Garrus… He always had her back, even when she was being an idiot. She made the mental note to thank him for that later, took the pills and made her way to the shower.

The water was freezing, but she didn't care. Right now, it was what she desperately needed. She wanted it to wash away all of last night; most importantly her dream. She tried rationalizing. It was just a bad coping mechanism for the way things ended with Kaidan. The mental image of Garrus holding her thighs and pressing himself against her rushed to her mind. Her cheeks flushed again and she couldn't tell if it was from excitement or embarrassment. This was wrong, terribly wrong. Two days ago she wouldn't have thought twice about Garrus romantically. They were just friends. This was far too weird; she needed something else to focus on.

She turned the shower off and looked at herself in the mirror. She looked surprisingly well rested all things considered. She took note of her features. It was something she did every day since Cerberus rebuilt her. It was almost as if she was trying to prove she was the same as before.

_ Same green eyes. Same tan skin. Same chocolate hair. New scars.  _ Her thoughts always followed the same path. Starting with the similarities and ending with the scars. Today though, she took note of how much she had healed. The orange glow that had adorned her face was completely gone, replaced by faint lines of raised skin. She looked like herself for the first time since waking up.

She began to get dressed and run through her tasks for the day, eventually scanning her desk for information on what the Illusive Man wanted next. She hated being at the mercy of someone else but she had no other options. The Alliance, and almost everyone associated with them had abandoned her.

Shepard found Tali's dossier, on top of a neatly stacked pile. In fact, as she observed her cabin she realized that everything was far cleaner than she had left it, Garrus' handiwork no doubt. She smiled at the thought of him trying to clean up without waking her. In some ways, he was the biggest dork she'd ever known. Initially, it was the reason she felt so comfortable around him. Now, it was one of the familiar things she clinged to. It was a reminder of before.

_ You need to focus, Shepard.  _ Right, she had to get to Haestrom. She needed to bring Tali home.

It took more than a week to reach Haestrom. The planet itself was unwelcoming and hot. The sun was dying and in its violent throes of its death, it was destroying their shields. Thane, the newest recruit on the team seemed to truly enjoy the dry heat. He had mentioned to Shepard how moisture affected his Kepral's syndrome. She thought that he must feel healthier than he had in a long while. Even Garrus remained relatively unaffected by the heat; he grew up on Palaven so it must feel like home.

Shepard struggled in the heat. It was overbearing and it pushed every firefight into the shadows. Shepard was headstrong and forceful. She hated the idea of hiding and that is exactly what she was forced to do.

It wasn't long before the squad reached Kal'Reeger. They only had a few primes to deal with beforehand, nothing Shepard wasn't familiar with. She might not have been able to see Kal's face but she could tell he was in bad shape. She imagined that under that helmet he was wincing each time he moved, trying to hide his pain.

Kal's goal was to get Tali off this planet safely. He informed Shepard that she was just on the other side of the walkway, with a big fucking Colossus in the way, great. They needed a plan. Reeger was convinced that the only way to take down the machine was for him to distract it while Shepard caused some major damage. It was guaranteed suicide and Shepard would have none of it.

Reeger was stubborn, but not as stubborn as Shepard.

'You've done enough, Reeger. You don't need to throw your life away.' Shepard wasn't going to let anyone else die, even if they were willing to make the sacrifice.

Reeger wouldn't back down, Shepard actually admired his tenacity. 'I wasn't asking your permission. My job is to keep Tali safe. This is our best….'

Shepard didn't give him the time to finish, pushing him further into cover. 'We don't have enough people on our side for you to take one for the team. Stand down.' She tried to make her tone authoritative.

As much as Reeger continued to protest, everyone knew Shepard would have her way. He gave in. Shepard sent both Thane and Garrus to fight their way up the left side walkway, where the Colossus couldn't reach them. They could easily handle the geth troops and that would take the heat off her.

She was going to take the right catwalk. Garrus might be the better sniper, but she had the collector gun to handle the Colossus. The sniper's perch was the perfect place to take the damn thing down. The sun wasn't making their jobs any easier but they all made it closer to Tali's location. The Colossus had lost its shields by the time Shepard was close and most of the geth had been taken care of thanks to Garrus and Thane. She waited for the break in fire and took careful aim.

She heard her shields failing and heard bullets fly past her, it didn't matter. This fight needed to end, now. She held the trigger until she was sure her enemy was dead. Shepard was rewarded for her tenacity; the Colossus exploded in a ball of red flames and smoke. It was quite the sight but she didn't have time to marvel at her handy work. Garrus and Thane were being pinned by a prime and she had the vantage point to assist.

She switched weapons smoothly and brought the sniper rifle to her shoulder. It became an extension of her as she took aim. The Prime had been whittled down slowly and one clean shot through its 'head' would finish it.  _ Inhale, shoot, exhale. _ In one heartbeat it was over.

'Thane, Garrus, get over here.' They both complied. Shepard took a deep breath allowing herself to relax somewhat.

'Even I have to admit Shepard, I'm impressed.' Garrus said coolly.

'About what?' She honestly wasn't sure what he meant considering this was their usually workday before she died.

'We've never taken a Colossus out on foot. You basically just did that all on your own.' Leave it to Garrus to make Shepard blush. She just hoped he couldn't see. She was having a hard enough time figuring out what the hell was making her fantasize about him. She didn't need him confused about her feelings either. Tali, thankfully, interrupted the conversation to let them in.

Shepard had new found focus. Tali needed to come back to the Normandy. Hell, Shepard needed her friend back. Tali was happy to agree. Her team had just died trying to get data and she no longer felt the need to humor the admiralty board.

Shepard heard Tali gasp before she saw Reeger enter the room.

'Maybe not your whole team, ma'am' Kal was clutching his side and limping heavily but the relief in his voice was obvious.

Tali was nearly speechless managing to utter 'Reeger, you made it' before Shepard cut in. She offered to transport Kal back to the migrant fleet but he argued that their ship was fine. Tali had regained her composure and explained that she wouldn't be joining him.

Shepard wasn't sure if it was disappointment in her voice or regret. Tali was obviously fond of this soldier. Fond wasn't the right word. Maybe she was smitten. Their connection was easy to read, there was mutual respect and admiration. 

_ Tali sure has grown up. _

Shepard smiled as they walked to the shuttle together. Tali deserved some happiness.

Tali was not happy to be on a Cerberus vessel and Jacob wasn't helping at all. Shepard wasn’t sure whether his actions were intentional or not, he always managed to say the worst possible thing. Shepard's jaw nearly dropped when he mentioned EDI. The man was a good soldier but he could be completely daft when it came to diplomacy. Or, he was doing it on purpose. Shepard tried to give the crew the benefit of the doubt but the possibility that they would purposefully antagonize the non-human crew made Shepard’s skin crawl. 

Shepard dismissed Jacob shortly after Tali walked out of the room. She needed something to do, there was too much free time lately and it drove her up the bulkhead. She decided it was a good idea to go and make her rounds. She needed to thank Garrus. Hopefully outside of her dreams their relationship would be normal. She also needed to make sure that Tali was okay. She wasn't sure how she would be acclimating to the Cerberus crew, or the distance from her people.

Shepard started with Garrus since it would probably be the briefer encounter. She walked up to the battery and of course he knew she was there before she walked in.

'Need me for something Shepard?'

'Actually, um… I wanted to thank you' Shepard felt her heart beating in her throat. It had to be sheer embarrassment. The way she had acted was ridiculous; the thoughts running through her head were equally ludicrous.

* * *

Garrus could have preened, hearing Shepard’s thank you. He struggled to gain his composure before turning toward her perched on her favorite crate. He should have moved it, unpacked it and put it away, but he left it for her. Garrus realized that he hadn’t answered her yet and now he could see the confusion on Shepard’s face. There was something else too. Fear?

'Shepard, you don't need to do that. One, you thanked me last night before you fell asleep. And two, I'll always have your back.' Garrus wanted to say so much more but it wasn't the time or the place. He wanted Shepard to know that Kaidan wasn't worth it. He wanted her to know that anyone in the galaxy would be lucky to have her. He wanted her to know that he would never let anyone else hurt her again. But it was her life, his input wasn't appropriate.

'Garrus I… thank you.' Garrus could see the flush of pink on Shepard’s skin. Was she embarrassed? Garrus could imagine just how much she chided herself for being caught last night. He thanked the spirits that it was him and not one of the crew.

'Shepard like I said, you already thanked me.' He allowed a reassuring hum into his subvocals as he spoke. He hoped that it would help even if Shepard couldn’t understand the meaning. 

'Yeah, well I mean it. I'll let you get back to work' Shepard turned and went for the door. Garrus watched her as she reached the door. It opened but she paused. It looked like she was turning back but she hesitated. Garrus could see her increased heart rate in his visor. It only served to confuse him. The only time he saw her heart rate spike like that was on the original Normandy, when she talked to Alenko. Maybe she was thinking of him now. Alenko didn’t deserve her. 

‘Shepard… He was never worth your time.’ Garrus couldn’t believe he had said the words. He thought them, sure, but it wasn’t his place to tell her how to feel. He had never been in love, how would he know?

Shepard turned to look at him and Garrus struggled not to look away. He was afraid that he would see disappointment in her face. Instead she chuckled and smiled at him. The doors closed and the battery was quiet. 

* * *

Shepard left the main battery with more questions than answers. She looked at him and felt heat radiating from her chest. She tried to rationalize that it was just the dream affecting how she looked at him. 

Then he said he’d always have her back. Her heart leapt into her throat. He meant it and his sincerity made her heart race. She had spent all her time pining over Kaidan. He was attractive and smart but… he walked away. The image tore at her. He dismissed her as a traitor within five minutes. Garrus didn’t hesitate for a second to join her. He questioned Cerberus but never Shepard. He was loyal to a fault and Shepard loved him for it. She wasn’t quite ready to admit that though. 

How did Garrus Vakarian go from her best friend to so much more in a matter of days? Had the attraction always been there? Oh god, how would she ever be able to tell him how she felt? There were indeed so many questions, and she would have to wait to answer them. She still had to see Tali.

Shepard had to pull Tali away from the console in engineering. She seemed intent of making sure Cerberus hadn't wrecked the ship. Shepard was glad to see Tali hard at work but she was concerned. Her friend had grown up much faster than Shepard would have liked. Although Shepard had her part in that, dragging Tali all over the galaxy to fight Saren. 

Shepard got the chills thinking about the damage she may have caused. But she refocused. She wanted to reconnect with her favorite Quarian. She knew exactly where she wanted to start.

'So, Tali, tell me about this Kal'Reeger' a smug grin was plastered over Shepard's face as she watched Tali play with her hands nervously. She was right about their relationship being more than just professional.

'He's a fine soldier Shepard. You would like him.' Shepard was almost positive that Tali would be blushing under her helmet.

'I do, I do. He more than proved himself protecting you after all.' Shepard was far more amused than she should have been. She was prying into Tali's private life. She wouldn't force Tali to tell her anything but there was some hidden thrill in Tali's nervousness. There was a brief moment of silence before Tali continued.

'Shepard, I know where you're going with this. Can we do this later, or at least somewhere more private?' Tali had stopped fidgeting. So she was uncomfortable with the public setting, not Shepard. As much as Shepard was enjoying the spectacle of Tali as the lovesick and embarrassed youth, she was glad that her friend was still comfortable confiding in her.

Suddenly Shepard was reminded of all the discussions the two had shared aboard the SR-1. They were more like sisters than friends, sharing their fears, hopes, and dreams. Tali knew more about Shepard than anyone else. Garrus knew her the best intuitively but Tali had a deep knowledge of her life.

'Okay Tali, let's head up to my quarters' and with that Shepard and Tali departed engineering.

Tali took scans for the entirety of the elevator ride and Shepard knew it was for bugs. Cerberus had them all over the ship. Mordin found several in his lab, destroyed most, and gave a few back to Miranda. Shepard would be happy to get the rest of her ship too.

The elevator opened on the top deck and Shepard let Tali walk ahead of her. Tali stopped at the top of the stairs.

'Half the crew could bunk in here Shepard.' There was a mix of awe and judgement in Tali’s tone. Shepard tried hard to force down her grimace.

'Yeah, I know. It's really ridiculous if I'm honest. I can't complain about the bed though.' Shepard truly was uncomfortable in her cabin. It was bigger than some of the apartments she had lived in. The giant fish tank just added to the grotesque nature of how lavish everything was. She was a soldier, standard accommodations felt like home. This... this was just absurd. To make matters worse, every time she would look at this cabin she would think about the night after Horizon, how she treated Garrus. She felt nauseous.

'Shepard, you can't complain about anything in here. It's quite beautiful.' Tali was right, Shepard should be thankful that she had her own space.

'Yeah, well we’re not here to admire my room. What couldn't you tell me in front of the crew? Wait, let me guess. You and Reeger are forbidden lovers and you plan to run away together.' Shepard really did act like Tali was her younger sister. Being an only child had its perks but when you're the only kid on a spaceship it gets lonely. Tali was an only child too. Shepard wondered if she got as much out of their relationship as she did.

'Shepard… It's nothing like that. Reeger was my subordinate. I'll admit, I find him… appealing. But, it wouldn't be right for me to take advantage of my authority like that.' Tali sounded legitimately annoyed at Shepard's joke but continued on anyway. They fell back into their familiar banter but Shepard couldn’t shake the feeling that the subordinate crack had been at her expense. She tried to let it go, Tali cared about her.

'Well, what does he think?' Shepard was honestly curious. She wondered if Tali would try for a relationship now that they no longer worked together.

'I don't know. Truthfully, every time I tried to talk to him outside of the mission I couldn't think. He kept calling me ma'am. He is older than me Shepard. It just felt so weird. But I guess you would know. Everyone calls you ma'am, no matter their age.'

'I take it as a sign of respect, Tali. I earned that “ma'am” with the Blitz, with Saren, and soon enough with the Collectors.' Shepard meant every word. She usually didn't boast about her accomplishments but she hoped that Tali would realize that she had earned the respect of her people by the accomplishments they shared. Shepard didn't like the idea of praise, but respect was a different story.

'Maybe. Okay fine, I like Reeger. Are you happy now?'

'Really?! We should coordinate shore leave with the Migrant fleet. Give you some time to 'reacquaint' yourselves.' Shepard made sure to emphasize the innuendo. Mostly, she was trying to make Tali feel at home with humor. It always worked before.

'Keelah Shepard… I'm not like that. Anyway, last I checked you and a certain Lieutenant were the ones doing the 'acquainting'. How is Kaidan?' Shepard tried her best to hide the redness in her cheeks. She turned away from Tali before the tears escaped. She was too late. Tali's worry was evident, even through the barrier of her suit.

'Shepard, what's wrong? Is Kaidan okay? Oh Keelah Shepard I didn't mean to…' Tali panicked, her mind went to the worst case scenario but Shepard quickly responded.

'Kaidan is an ass.' It was the phrase Garrus had used to console her. It was the only thing she could think to say. The words were honest, brutal, and conveyed why her emotions had soured. This simple phrase accomplished so much without long explanations or convoluted assumptions. Garrus might actually have a way with words after all.

'What did the Bosh'tet do? Do I need to speak with him?' Shepard had to try hard not to laugh. She imagined a stern look on Tali’s face under the mask. Shepard’s emotions were still raw from Horizon and she wasn’t ready to bare her soul yet. Her dream about Garrus wasn’t helping matters. After a few moments she sighed and responded, hoping Tali would drop the subject.

'It's a very long story Tali.'

'And I have plenty of time Shepard.' Shepard motioned for them to sit on the couch and steeled herself. She was close with Tali and maybe she did need to open up. 

Shepard started with Ilos. It seemed only fair to explain her relationship with Kaidan completely. Tali had been there but to most of the crew, Kaidan and Shepard just flirted. Tali was surprised at how serious they had gotten before Shepard's death. Then came the part about Horizon…

'That Bosh'tet ass' Tali began murmuring incoherent slurs. Shepard didn't mind, it was comforting. Someone else was on her side too. It was comforting.

Shepard struggled with where to finish her story. She would never tell Tali just how far she had fallen, or the fact that Garrus had to bathe her but she wanted her to know that she was fine and she wanted to give Garrus the credit he deserved.

'Garrus picked me up, helped me to move on. I don't think… I don't think I could have left this room if it weren't for him.' Shepard didn't go into the specifics. She still wished Garrus hadn't seen her like that. She was Commander Shepard, badass marine. She was not the sniveling idiot who drank far too much.

'Garrus is good for you. You two have always been there for one another.' Shepard nearly choked hearing Tali’s words. She tried not to think of her dream but heat pooled to the places where Garrus’ hands had been in the dream. She looked up at Tali and tried to refocus. 

‘Are you okay Shepard?’ Tali sounded concerned and Shepard wasn’t sure if it was because of Kaidan or Shepard’s reaction to what Tali just said. 

‘Yeah, I’m okay. I’m really glad you’re here Tali.’ Shepard really was relieved to have Tali back on board. She chuckled at the realization that Tali and Garrus were like family. The people in the galaxy who meant the most to her, were home.

After catching up for a few more hours Tali took her leave. Shepard laid in bed turning Tali's words over in her mind.  _ Garrus is good for me. _ He had always been there, no matter what. When Kaidan walked away, Garrus stood by her side. Garrus trusted her, he believed in her. When he didn't see something the same way she did he took the time to try. He always watched her six. He was the most amazing man she knew: patient, caring, strong, passionate. Why did she take so long to see it? He was perfect.

A new knot formed in the pit of Shepard's stomach. They were close but she didn't know how Garrus felt about her. They were friends sure, but could they ever be something more?


	3. Eye for and Eye

**Chapter 3- Eye for an Eye**

Shepard was nervous. She stood outside of the battery doors for far too long but she couldn't bring herself to open them. Kelly told her that Garrus seemed upset, it seemed so unusual considering his typically cool and collected personality. Shepard wanted to be there for him, to return the favor he had paid her after Horizon. She took a deep breath and opened the doors, nerves be damned.

Shepard's jaw dropped at the sign of him. He was clenching his console so violently that she could hear the distinct sound of knuckles popping. He was breathtaking, in a horrific sort of way. Garrus seemed to embody fury and strength and Shepard wanted nothing more than to grab him. She wanted to hold him the way that he held her. She wanted to bring him some peace. That is when the words escaped his lips.

'I found Sidonis.' The name slipped off of his tongue like venom and Shepard felt a shiver run up her spine. This wasn't Garrus; at least, it wasn't her Garrus. There was spite in his voice that she was completely unfamiliar with. Sure, she had seen him angry, but never vengeful, not even with Dr. Saleon.

'What do you need us to do?' Shepard was grabbing at straws, nothing made sense. Garrus was thoughtful and smart. Now, he just seemed cold. Maybe he really changed in the last two years. Maybe he finally snapped. She needed something, anything that would help her make sense of the situation.

'We need to go to the Citadel.'

'Okay.' Shepard tried to reach out and touch Garrus' arm but he shrugged her off. Her heart sank. Even in his darkest moments he had never treated her with such disdain. If this was all due to Sidonis then maybe he deserved to die.

She turned to leave, trying hard to ignore the foreboding feeling washing over her.

* * *

Harkin had always been dirty, but as Fade, he was downright abysmal. Shepard relished in the fact that she was devastating his forces, diminishing his capacity to do harm. Tali and Garrus were with her and they made it seem just like old times. A smirk graced her face for the briefest of moments.

Shepard glanced over toward Garrus as they realized Harkin was the only one left. He seemed downright malicious and it was unnerving. He was usually level headed during battle, but hate was clouding his mind. Shepard could see it in the sloppy way he was running through the mission.

_ What do I do?  _ Shepard couldn't let Garrus make decisions when he wasn't acting like himself. He would regret them later. She knew he would.

She made her approach toward Harkin. He smirked.

_ God, he’s disgusting. _

Shepard's team had the upper hand though. Right as Harking turned to leave the room; Garrus blocked his path, smashing his face with a rifle.

Garrus’ words were seething with rage as he spoke to Harkin. Garrus was a predator torturing his prey. Shepard was rarely afraid, but this side of Garrus, this darkness, utterly terrified her. 

_ This is wrong.  _ Shepard’s body screamed at her to fix it. 

Harkin tried to argue with Garrus. Every time he resisted, Garrus would inflict a new blow. He was an idiot; even animals would learn to stop. Garrus was crushing Harkin's neck under his foot in a last ditch effort to get information. Shepard watched in horror, Garrus wouldn't budge. She reached up to his shoulder, hoping that it would cause him to refocus. He relaxed for a moment and then slowly backed away. Shepard responded by letting out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

Harkin got the message and set up a meeting with Sidonis. Shepard studied Garrus for signs of relief, but that malice was still written all over his face. His eyes were cold and unyielding as he raised his gun on Harkin. The human pleaded and tried to reason with Garrus but Shepard could tell that he was beyond the help of words. There was silence for the briefest of moments.

Shepard didn't allow the pause to last, reaching for the gun before Garrus had time to react. He relented. Shepard felt no relief. She wanted to stop this mission, call the whole thing off before it was too late. Garrus would never forgive her if she did, or worse, he would go off on his own. She turned and began to leave, still racking her brain for a new solution.

The sound was unmistakable, the crunch of broken bones. She imagined Harkin's face bloody and broken. Shepard lowered her head as disappointment swept over her. Garrus couldn't get a hold of himself and she was to blame. He would have never ended up on Omega if she hadn't died. He would never have ended up like this. Her heart ached for him.

'I didn't shoot him.' Shepard could swear that she heard amusement in his tone but shook it off. She needed to focus on finding a better solution.

The drive to meet Sidonis was painfully silent. Tali pretended to be somewhere else while the tension between Shepard and Garrus mounted. Shepard finally spoke as she realized time was running out.

'Garrus, why are you doing this?' She was almost silent, her breath caught as she said his name. There was no answer at first as Garrus eyed the commander.

'He killed ten people, maybe not with his own hands, but they're dead just the same. I can't let him get away with that.' His tone was condescending, as if Shepard should have known this as fact. She wanted to reason with him, bring him back to the man she once knew. He interrupted her thought before she could continue.

'Look Shepard, if you don't want this, I can handle it without you.' The works struck her like daggers. This meant more to Garrus than her or their friendship. If she couldn't handle his decision, then she could leave. Restlessness overtook her, there had to be another way. She was not going to watch him fall like this.

'Garrus, you've had my back. Now, I've got yours.' It was the truth. She was going to stop him from committing murder, she had his back. What he inferred from the statement didn't really matter.

They made it to their destination and Shepard searched for Sidonis. There weren't that many Turians in the area and he was the only one alone. She waved him over, which she immediately regretted. He walked toward her, leaving him completely open for Garrus to take the shot. She waited breathlessly, but Garrus wasn't ready.

She only had a few moments. It was now or never.

'Listen Sidonis, I'm here to help you.' He immediately tensed and leaned in toward her.

'Don't ever say that name aloud.' He was nervous and she needed to get his attention.

'I'm a friend of Garrus. He wants you dead, but I'm hoping that's not necessary.' She was wearing her Commander façade now, trying to instill calm into the situation. She hoped dropping Garrus's name would get him to focus on what she was saying. It worked.

'Garrus? Is this some kind of joke…?'

Garrus came over the radio, sounding aggravated. He warned Shepard that he would take down Sidonis if he so much as moved. She needed to gain control over the situation, but how?

Sidonis turned to leave. Shepard instinctively reached out and stopped him. She told him that Garrus had them in his scope. If he moved, he was dead. Shepard was struggling to figure out her next move when Sidonis started to spill facts about what happened in some sort of plea for his life.

He looked like a shell of a person, hollow. Shepard made sure that Garrus could hear every word. This was her last hope. Sidonis' words were his last chance for survival, although Shepard wasn’t sure he was really living by the sound of things. Eventually, Garrus gave in. It sounded reluctant and Shepard almost expected him to take Sidonis down anyway. He didn't.

She felt the tension release in her shoulders as she made her way to the taxi.

When Shepard picked Garrus up, he didn't look at her. He sat in the back seat of the taxi, which was far too small for his Turian stature. Shepard knew that by choosing to stop Garrus, she may have lost him forever. She felt empty and pain filled her chest. She hoped that she made the right choice; Garrus meant the world to her. He shouldn't have to live with the consequences of his clouded judgment.

If the taxi ride could be described as uncomfortable, then the decontamination procedures of the airlock were downright painful. Tali, bless her heart, tried to lighten the situation by bringing up something about a game of Skillian 5. She lost to Kenneth and Shepard stopped paying attention after that. She appreciated the thought but she couldn't take her eyes off Garrus.

He no longer looked angry but she couldn't place the emotion. He wouldn't turn to look at her and when the airlock opened, he was gone. Shepard left and went to her cabin. She needed to change and a shower wouldn't be a bad idea either.

* * *

_ I had focus. I had purpose. She ruined it. _ Garrus was ashamed. He couldn't follow through, again. He failed at C-sec, failed at Spectre training, failed on Omega, and he failed again with Sidonis. This time though, it wasn't his fault. Shepard had gotten in the way. She pushed his hand.

Garrus smashed his fist into the main battery console. The glass interface shattered. If it weren't for the fact that he hadn't removed his armor, he would probably be in a great deal of pain. It didn't matter though; he was ashamed and frankly, quite pissed.

Garrus knew why Shepard stopped him but he wasn’t her. How did she expect him to be so forgiving? Good people died and they deserved retribution.

Garrus did his best not to yell. He paced the main battery. After any other mission, he would shower and get something to eat. Neither had any appeal. He continued to pace without relief.

* * *

Shepard got out of the shower and got dressed as if she were on autopilot. She ran her fingers through her hair and let it cascade down her back. It had gotten so much longer; it didn't look like hers anymore. Her cabin looked equally foreign. It was bigger than any apartment she had ever lived in, let alone the shared crew quarters to which she was accustomed. Everything about this mission seemed so wrong.

And then there was Garrus. He was usually her confidant when she felt like this, out of place. Now, he wouldn't even look at her. Some part of her didn't want to acknowledge the fact that she might have just lost her best friend because her morals got in the way. 

_ No, I did the right thing.  _

Garrus might not understand but he would have regretted killing Sidonis.

Ugh… This was all just ridiculous. She should have the guts to go talk to him. It wasn't like they hadn't had a disagreement before. They could always find common ground. So, why was Shepard scared? Garrus was different, sure, but he still cared right? Maybe not in the way Shepard wanted, but they would always be friends. What did Shepard want anyway?

She wanted the SR-1 back. She wanted long talks in the Mako, Ashley making jokes, and Wrex brooding in the background. She wanted to never have started a relationship with Kaidan. She wanted to understand her feelings. She wanted things to be easy again.

After a long while, Shepard realized that her cabin was doing nothing to appease her hectic thoughts. She just needed to clear the air. She needed a clear head for the mission and thinking about her broken friendship was doing nothing to help her.

She reluctantly moved to call the elevator.

* * *

Kasumi Goto had the knack for being in places she shouldn't. She was intrigued by everyone but wanted to keep them all at a distance. Often she found herself wandering the halls cloaked; it was easier to get to know people when they weren't trying to figure you out in return.

She learned quite a few things aboard the Normandy. Miranda was diving into her work and her sister's life to avoid her own misfortunes. Jacob was restless and couldn't understand why he wasn't happy. Jack was utterly paranoid. She had amassed quite a bit of knowledge on everyone…except Shepard. It wasn't for a lack of trying. Shepard was the most interesting person on this ship. She was just good at being stealthy.

She was a warrior in every sense of the word. Even cloaked Kasumi couldn't outwit Shepard's instincts. It was getting annoying. She noticed the intriguing woman exiting the elevator and tried once again to follow her. There was something off about Shepard this time. Was she…sweating? Kasumi's interest was piqued. This seemed unusual, even by the Normandy's standards, and she couldn't help but follow.

Shepard stopped outside of the main battery. There was a look on her face that Kasumi didn't know how to place. It looked like a mixture of fear, apprehension, and anger. The latter of which Kasumi had seen before but fear and apprehension didn't seem natural on Shepard's features. What did the Turian do to the woman?

Kasumi realized that she would have to act quickly if she wanted to get an inside seat to the action. Shepard knocked; it was something she didn't usually do with Garrus. Something was wrong with this whole scenario and Kasumi couldn't wait to get the inside scoop.

The battery door opened and Shepard slipped inside. There were three seconds before the door closed and Kasumi wouldn't be able to get in undetected.

_ One. _ She swiftly passed Gardner, hoping desperately that in her haste she hadn't made any noise.

_ Two. _ The pathway to the battery seemed far longer than it used to be.

_ Three. _ The doors looked like they were too close together for her to slip through. Think skinny thoughts… made it.

Kasumi found a corner on the far side of the room and made herself comfortable. This seemed like a conversation that would last a while.

* * *

He had heard the footsteps before she knocked and it made his blood boil. 

_ God damn it Shepard, can't I have some peace? _

Of course not. She knocked lightly and even through the door Garrus could sense her hesitation. He didn't bother answering, he just keyed in the code to open the door.

She didn't enter the room right away. She was either nervous, or she had noticed the destruction.

'Garrus…I...'

'Save it Shepard.' His voice was cold and even Garrus was caught off guard by his tone. Shepard visibly flinched before she regained her composure. Garrus could see the commander mask falling into place as she went to speak. 

'No… I came to talk. You don't have to listen but there are things that I am going to say.' Her voice cracked, that was new. It pulled Garrus out of his wallowing. As mad as he was, he never wanted to hurt Shepard. She deserved better. He was still angry though and he couldn’t stop himself from answering with bitterness.

'Then talk.' 

Shepard paused. Garrus hated it. He wanted to be alone. He needed the time and space to collect his thoughts.

'Garrus, I don't want you to end up like me.' She took a breath before continuing. 'Killing someone for revenge will haunt you for the rest of your life. And, it won't do your team any justice.'

Garrus let the words turn over in his head. What was she playing at?

'How would you know Shepard?' Garrus still felt the desperate itch to put a bullet in Sidonis’ head. How would Shepard know what that felt like? How would she know what he would feel after?

'Elysium.'

The word struck Garrus like a ton of bricks. He knew she was a hero, she single-handedly fought off hordes of Batarian slavers. She was a bloody hero because of the Skyllian Blitz. He watched her gaze slowly fall to the floor. She was chewing her lip and he knew that she was having a hard time saying what she needed to. He couldn't lose focus though. Nothing she could say would fix what she did.

'My whole team died Garrus, except one. Sound familiar?' Garrus felt like the gravity had suddenly shifted. He remained silent not wanting to stop her and finally, she continued.

'Victor was just a recruit. No one paid him any mind as long as he did what he was told and stayed out of the way. Right before the attack, he mentioned that he was meeting an old friend on the far side of the colony. No one thought twice about it. We were on shore leave and had more important things to concern ourselves with. He was so nervous; I should have known.' A single tear fell from Shepard's eye. She tried to wipe it away before Garrus saw but he was too observant for that. He wanted to touch her, provide some comfort but he was still livid and wouldn't budge.

'It happened too fast. I had no armor and my men fell within minutes. I hauled my ass behind a storefront and checked my weapons. I only had my sidearm Garrus. I had been in the military for just over four years and I hadn't learned to expect the worst yet. I was an idiot. I had only one thermal clip.'

Shepard’s gaze met with his for the first time since her story began. She looked haunted. Garrus struggled to keep his distance. As hurt as he was that she stood in his way, they were still friends. He wanted to comfort her. She closed her eyes and Garrus knew it was an attempt to gain some composure.

'I made my way from cover to cover, picking up ammo and supplies as I went. I realized the only chance I had was funneling the Batarians back out of the shopping space. There was only one entrance and it would be easy for me to keep civilians inside while picking off the enemy.' She sighed, it sounded almost painful. She pinched the bridge of her nose between her index finger and thumb before continuing.

'He had the balls to come back, Garrus. I was beside myself when I saw him. He was a recruit; I knew that he couldn't survive this onslaught on his own.'

She looked back to the floor. This time there wasn't sorrow in her face, Garrus could see the shame. It felt like looking in a mirror.

'I knew that he had told the Batarians where the Alliance soldiers were. They took my team out first so that we wouldn't be a problem. He tried to talk me into moving to a riskier position. I wouldn't let him. I wanted to survive so that I could see his ass court-martialed. The little fuck told me he was going to go with or without me. I snapped. I couldn't let him get away with what he did. I didn't even waste a bullet to put him down. I crushed his trachea without a second thought.'

'Shepard…' He had heard enough. So, Shepard had felt the sting of betrayal and the pain of loss, they weren't the same person. He was allowed to make his own decisions.

'No, Garrus… Like I said, I came here to talk.'

'Alright, continue.' Garrus watched Shepard tense but he was unsure what she was feeling now.

'I didn't think twice about what I did, I was in survival mode. What did one grunt matter anyway? It hit me later though. He haunted my dreams for years, still does occasionally. I realized that he was scared. It would never excuse his actions but I can understand how his will was broken. I also know now that he got far less than he deserved Garrus. Death is too easy. He deserved to rot at the mercy of the Alliance, or the Batarians. I have never been able to forgive myself. I didn't want that for you. I am sorry that you may never forgive me but I am not sorry for what I did.'

They both sat in silence for what seemed like ages. Garrus breathed deeply, causing his sub harmonics to resonate a deep foreboding tone. 

'I'm not you Shepard. It wasn't your decision to make.' His words were slow and cautious. He knew she was looking out for him but it still made his plates itch to think Sidonis was out in the galaxy somewhere. But, his will to be angry was fading. Shepard was his best friend. He trusted her judgment. He hated to admit it, but she made the right call.

'I care, Garrus. Like I said, I don't want you to end up like me.' He would kill to be even remotely like her, he wished she could see that. She was powerful, smart, resourceful, and downright amazing. She was right to stop him from killing Sidonis but now his blood was boiling at her ignorance.

'Maybe you should leave.' He couldn't stand the sight of her anymore. She could be so blind to her own prowess.

'No, I need to know that you understand.' The commander façade was slowly coming back. Garrus saw the shift in her demeanor and it made him all the angrier. Now she was hiding behind her authority. He wanted to talk to Shepard, not his CO. He was seeing red and he felt his temper slowly taking over.

'Now, you're going to listen, Shepard.' Garrus grabbed her by the arms and slammed her back into the wall. 'You got in my way, treated me like I was incapable of thinking for myself, and made a choice for me. If you cared, you would have respected me enough to talk to me.' He said the words with conviction even though his will to fight was nearly gone. It felt hollow. Now he was mostly mad that she thought so little of herself. 

Garrus let Shepard go but she was in shock. Garrus could see the wheels spinning in her mind. He realized suddenly that he had never lifted a hand against Shepard. Guilt settled in his gut and he wanted to apologize. The look on her face shut him up before he could even speak.

'Fine, I'm done with your sorry ass.' She turned and exited the room.

Garrus couldn't believe that she had said those words. He deserved it but it didn't lessen the blow. She had been right but he couldn't bring himself to tell her why he was really mad. She was brilliant and was selling herself short. Why was he so stubborn?

_ Why did I try to hurt her? I am no better than Kaidan. _

The thought terrified him and it felt like the main battery was suddenly colder. He hadn't accused her of betrayal directly but it was close enough and he made it sound like he wanted her to disappear. Garrus felt like an imbecile. How the hell would he fix this?

* * *

Kasumi was stunned. If she had her wits about her she would have intervened the second Garrus stepped toward Shepard but she couldn't move. She had learned more about Shepard in the ten minutes they had been talking than she had the rest of the time she was on the ship. All the pain the woman had been hiding away brought to the surface.

It was over as fast as it had begun. Kasumi almost didn't move in time to make it out the door. She eyed Shepard carefully. She was extremely stiff and it was completely unnatural.

Kasumi heard the 'whoosh' sound of the main battery doors closing behind her but she never took her eyes off of Shepard. The second the metal sealed behind them, Shepard bolted. Kasumi was athletic and easily kept pace with the commander, but she was still impressed with the woman's speed and agility.

They were both in the elevator within seconds. Kasumi on some level was glad that Shepard was sobbing because it covered the sound of her own labored breathing.

She waited for Shepard to enter her quarters before she uncloaked. She wanted to knock and offer the woman some comfort. She realized that it wasn't the right place or time. Kasumi turned and made her way back to her room, she had enough excitement for one evening.

* * *

Shepard, for the second time, found herself sobbing in her new quarters. Garrus was supposed to have her back. But everything about their conversation felt wrong. 

It wasn’t the words he said, or even shoving her into the wall, it was the way he looked at her. It was like he wanted to bore a hole through her skull. 

Shepard threw herself into bed and curled in on herself. There was nothing she could do. She had shared a piece of herself that no one had ever seen and Garrus wanted nothing to do with her. She was sure he would leave as soon as possible.

_ Maybe that will be better. _

But Shepard knew that wasn’t true. She needed Garrus. She needed people she could trust. Her chest heaved as the sobs rocked through her. It felt like she was losing everything.


	4. Normal

**Chapter 4 – Normal**

Shepard was in her cabin, trying to decide who she would take to the Collector ship. She didn't like how this mission was playing out, she never trusted the Illusive Man. Some part of this really felt like a trap. A Turian cruiser just doesn't sound powerful enough to incapacitate a collector ship. She needed people she could trust on this mission, people that she knew would have her back.

Her first choice was easy, Tali. They were going to be looking for information, which would undoubtedly be on a computer and Tali was the best for that without question. Her second choice though, was a far more complicated decision. It was going to be Garrus, there was also no question about that, but they hadn't spoken in the days following their fight. Shepard was honestly surprised that he was still on the ship. How would he handle this mission? How would she? She couldn't avoid it forever.

'EDI, tell Tali and Garrus to meet me in the CIC in 10 minutes.'

* * *

Garrus was not happy when the glowing orb graced the main battery. EDI had her uses but, unless he asked for her, he didn't want her there. She, like everything else Cerberus related could not be trusted.

'Commander Shepard would like you to meet her in the CIC in ten minutes.'

'Thank you, EDI.'

'Logging you out, Mr. Vakarian.' He always cringed when anyone would call him Mr. anything. It sounded old and ridiculously formal especially now, when it was coming from a synthesized voice.

'Just call me Garrus.'

'Alright. Logging you out, Garrus.'

Garrus hadn't seen Shepard in what must have been four days. She made her rounds as usual but would always skip the main battery. No one really questioned her, most ship captains never made it to the crew deck anyway. Garrus knew better, though. He knew Shepard. He also knew that he had broken their friendship in a moment of anger and had no idea how to fix it. It didn't help that he was now having inappropriate thoughts about his commander.

Shepard had been in Garrus' dreams every night since she had visited him in the main battery. Some dreams were about her death, Garrus would be stuck in an escape pod watching her take her final breath. In others they would be entwined in each other's arms. Garrus still didn't understand what it all meant. She was his friend; maybe he was afraid of losing her again? Maybe there was something more. He knew it would never work though. As much as he hated it, her heart belonged to Kaidan.

In his self-loathing, Garrus had managed to waste six of his ten minutes. The elevator would waste at least another two. It's a good thing he never took off his armor because right now he was struggling to complete one last check of the seals. He needed to rush; the commander would skin him if he were late. He grabbed his favorite sniper rifle and a side arm and made his way to the CIC. He didn't know how he was going to handle Shepard when he saw her but he knew that he would be there for her no matter what.

* * *

Tali and Garrus still hadn't arrived and Shepard was starting to get annoyed. They had exactly one minute left. They would both have an earful waiting for them if they were late. Shepard was usually patient but she felt anxious knowing that she would be in the same space as Garrus for the first time since he had put his hands on her.

She wished she had smacked him. He deserved it and she was never one to let a man (of any species) lay their hands on her without her permission.  _ What was he even thinking? _ Shepard thought about the moment he grabbed her over and over again in the last few days. His hands were firm but he had only put enough pressure to move her. Even when she was heading for the wall, it was his hands that hit, not her back. It didn’t make any sense. 

Shepard was drawn from her thoughts by the sound of metal footsteps. She turned to see Garrus. Tali was still missing, but Shepard expected this, Tali had a habit of being late. Garrus looked Shepard up and down and his gaze felt like fire. Slowly though this feeling passed, he didn't seem angry. It wasn't until she really looked at his expression that she could see the guilt.

It was the same expression that he wore when he told her of Sidonis' betrayal. He was blaming himself for the whole situation. She felt her hand move toward him before she registered what she was doing. Tali coughed to make her presence known and Shepard feigned scratching her head.

The tension between them was beginning to interfere with how they work, and others were starting to notice. Shepard had never let this happen before and she didn't know how to address the situation. As usual, when she didn't know how to handle something, she would rely on the commander facade. It had become her refuge over the years, her safe haven.

'The Illusive Man has given us a mission. It's our only lead so we are going to follow it. We are to infiltrate a disabled collector ship and retrieve any data they have on making the jump through the Omega 4 relay. Tali, you're going to scrub every computer we see. Garrus cover our six, don't let those bug bastards get near us. Any questions?' Shepard hated the monotone voice that came out of her. It sounded like she was a drill sergeant. 

'No.' Garrus said, his throat was dry and he sounded as if he hadn't spoken in ages.

'Keelah Shepard, how was a collector ship disabled? I mean, doesn't this seem a little convenient?' Shepard could feel her face contorting. Tali voiced the same thought she had earlier.

The commander facade melted. These were her friends; Shepard couldn't just bark orders at them. She got people to follow her by building a rapport with them. They had to trust each other and part of that was being honest.

'The Illusive Man claims that a Turian cruiser disabled the ship. Honestly, I don't trust him or his intel. But, like I said, we have no other leads so I'm going to work with this and I hope you can do the same.' Everyone was quiet. Shepard shifted uncomfortably before Garrus broke the silence.

'Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get this over with.' It was the first time that Shepard felt normal. Garrus still wouldn’t make eye contact with her but it was a start. She turned and made her way into the airlock, Tali and Garrus followed suit.

* * *

It was eerie, and empty, and way too fucking quiet. Worst of all, according to EDI, this was the ship from Horizon. There should be human prisoners aboard but all they found were empty pods.

Garrus felt unease wash over him in waves every time Shepard turned a corner in front of him. Where were the Collectors? Even bodies would be comforting at this point. Garrus' thought was poorly timed. He looked up to see Shepard and Tali overlooking a pile of human corpses. Garrus had never become accustomed to the smell of rotting flesh. He wished he had after all his time in the military, with C-Sec and following Shepard. It would make moments like this so much easier.

'What happened here?' Garrus could hear the concern in Tali's voice. It perfectly mirrored his own. What the hell were the Collectors up to?

‘Why would the Collectors just leave a pile of bodies lying around?' 

'They must have been used for testing. If they were a control group, they would have been discarded at the end of the experiment.' Garrus had to fight the bile rising in his throat.

'There are worse things than death... like being a test subject for twisted aliens.' It was the most xenophobic statement that Shepard had ever uttered. But Garrus knew why, she knew what it was like to be at the whim of questionable people. Cerberus essentially owned her having brought her back from the dead. 

'I know you're right, but it doesn't make me feel any better.' Tali sounded calm and Garrus envied her for it, unease settling deep inside him. 

Garrus couldn't stand waiting around. Staring at the pile of dead bodies wasn’t going to get them the information that they needed.

'Shepard, we should move.' He didn't need to stare any longer.

'Let's go.' 

As they continued, Garrus noted something odd. There was a Collector in what appeared to be a medical pod. Shepard set to work at the computer nearby. EDI's voice came over the comm. and said something that Garrus was not prepared to hear. The Collectors were the Protheans... That was unexpected and disturbing.

The Reapers were far more twisted than they had thought.

As they made their way through the ship things just became worse and worse. The ceilings were covered in the same pods that Collectors had used to capture humans. There were far more pods than were necessary for all of the Terminus systems. They were going for Earth. Why would they want to just capture humans? They kept moving in the hopes that they could get off this ship sooner. EDI and Joker came in over the comm. Something was up, again...

Garrus should have known that this would be a mission where they couldn't catch a break. The collector ship, as it turns out, was the one that destroyed the Normandy SR-1. Garrus felt rage bubbling in his gut; this was the ship that killed Shepard. Garrus wanted to tear the ship apart by hand. He was standing in the reason he lost Shepard. He couldn't focus any longer.

He hadn't noticed but they were nearing a platform with the only thing they had seen resembling a computer. His thoughts were on the eerie emptiness around them.

'Where are the bodies of the Collector crew? Careful Shepard, something doesn't feel right about this.'

It was almost as if she didn't hear him. Shepard could be too focused for her own good. EDI connected to the platform but something went wrong. Suddenly they were in the air. The platform was moving and they were being overrun by hostiles.

Harbinger was back with a vengeance. He targeted Shepard as if she were the only enemy. Garrus couldn't focus and before he knew it he was hit.

'Goddamn it Garrus. One day, you need to learn how to duck. Are you okay?'

'Ye...ah. Hurts like hell though.' He had to talk through his teeth because of the pain.

* * *

'Tali, medigel, NOW!' Shepard was on the verge of panic. She couldn't focus on the fight at hand and it was causing her to make mistakes. She took down the last of the Collectors and Garrus was standing again, barely.

EDI and Joker explained the situation. The Illusive Man set them up… Oh did Shepard have a few choice words for him, when they got back. EDI guided them through the ship but Garrus' injuries were making things difficult.

Even so they were making progress, until they reached the praetorian. Tali and Shepard left Garrus in cover in the hopes that they would be able to tackle the beast on their own. It wasn't that simple.

Shepard had the Collector gun but the praetorian regenerated its shields at every opportunity. This fight was going to be painful. Shepard went all out. She charged in order to drop its shield and ordered Tali to send out her drone.

They were running out of time, this was it. Shepard charged one last time, letting all her biotic strength out in a desperate effort. As she fell away from the praetorian she whipped out her shotgun and aimed. Nothing was left but ash. She felt the trickle of blood run down her nose and quickly wiped it away before the team could see. 

Shepard rushed back to Garrus. He was as pale as he had been on Omega. The medigel wasn’t enough to counter his injuries and Shepard could feel her panic cresting. She refused to lose him. She still had so much she needed to tell him. She knew that they needed to get back to the Normandy and fast. But Garrus could no longer stand. Shepard tried to lift him but the seven foot tall Turian weighed nearly four hundred pounds in armor and gear. Shepard settled for supporting most of his weight as they hobbled back out. They moved as fast as they could and made it to the shuttle with no time to spare. Shepard couldn’t take her eyes of Garrus as he slipped in and out of consciousness.

* * *

Garrus didn't remember much. He woke up feeling rested for the first time in what seemed like years. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the bright lights but he began to realize that he was in the med bay. He was drawn to the sound of breathing. It was deep and heavy. Whoever the breathing belonged to, they were fast asleep.

He blinked once more in an attempt to focus on the room. Of course Shepard was there. Her crew was her family and when they were hurt, she blamed herself. That was just the way things worked for her. What he didn't notice at first was that her hand was joined in his.

He didn't know what to make of the gesture, he assumed it was common practice for humans.

Shepard woke up and the peaceful expression turned to anger in a flash. She smacked him with the back of her hand.

'You idiot! What were you thinking? I needed you to cover my six, not compete with me for shots on target. You almost got yourself killed!'

'It's not that bad. I couldn't let you have all the fun.' Garrus was trying to make light of things but it didn't work.

'Garrus that is not what happened. Do you have a death wish or something? You can be completely unbelievable.'

Garrus was now angry too, how dare she make accusations? She was the one who went back for Joker, who is currently taking on the Collectors. If anyone had a death wish, it was her.

'I'm the unbelievable one? Riiight.' He extended his vowels for emphasis like he had seen humans do many times. Shepard’s demeanor changed in an instant. Garrus noted the way her shoulders sagged. She looked up at him with glassy eyes and his resolve shattered. He ran his talon along the back of her hand, trying to think of what to say next. 

'What the hell has happened to us Garrus? We can't talk to each other without fighting. This needs to stop.'

He wanted to agree. He wanted to fix everything. He wanted to pull her into his arms and never let go.  _ Wait what? _ He didn't know what he really wanted. He just knew that he didn't want to fight anymore.

'Okay, how do we make it stop?' Garrus tried his best to keep his voice neutral. He really did want to fix their friendship. 

'We talk, but not here like this. We both need a break. I'm ordering shore leave for the whole crew. You and I could both use a drink.'

'I can live with that.' 

* * *

They had to dock on Omega. Garrus had healed remarkably fast. This was in part due to the cybernetics that the Normandy had access to and in part because he was stubborn.

Eventually Garrus and Shepard found a secluded table in the lower section of Afterlife. The silence had grown to a level that was unbearable for the both of them. After a few drinks they still hadn't said more than two words. 

'Garrus...'

'Shepard wait. I need to apologize first.' He was being distant and obnoxious solely because she couldn’t see how amazing she was. He needed to be better for her, he needed his friend back. Garrus waited for her to respond before he continued.

'Okay, but I need to apologize too, Garrus.'

'Why?' The confusion was written all over his face. Shepard stared at him for far too long and he started to worry.

'Because I think highly of you, and because of that I placed some rather ridiculous expectations on you. For that I am sorry. I just...You're just... I didn't want you to feel the guilt and shame that I do every day. You're too special for that.'

It must have been the alcohol because Garrus could swear that Shepard was crying. Not the violent crying she had done after Horizon, but her eyes were watering. Even though they were in a very public place Garrus couldn't help but wipe away the lone tear that had graced Shepard's cheek. Her face was remarkably soft and Garrus marveled at her warmth. 

A wanted to lean into her. Garrus knew he was confused as the thought of holding her half naked against him crossed his mind. They were friends, even if he wanted more, he didn't think that Shepard would ever feel that way for him.

He needed to be there for her, as he had been after Horizon. He swallowed his pride and looked at her, knowing that he still needed to apologize. His heart melted when he noticed the look on her face. She wore the unsure, quirky grin that was so characteristically Shepard. Garrus' heartbeat quickened and he was painfully aware of just how nervous he was. He needed this conversation to go well. He needed Shepard to be okay, she was the only person he had left.

Garrus was silent as he carefully considered his words. He had a lot riding on this moment and wanted to be completely honest with Shepard. 

'Shepard, I hate to be unoriginal but I have the same apology. I hold you in the highest regard. I wasn't angry that you stopped me. Well I was… but then I realized that you were right. When you came to the main battery and started telling me about Elysium… Well, I was angry at how much you were diminishing your own worth. You are so much more than one moment in your life. I am so sorry for the way I reacted and… I should never have put my hands on you.'

They looked at each other for a long time. Peace finally seemed to settle over them as Shepard laughed.

“We really are two of a kind Vakarian.”

He merely nodded, joy filling him. They were going to be okay.

* * *

It was hours later when Shepard and Garrus stumbled back onto the Normandy. They were holding hands. Neither had talked about it or brought it up since it had occurred and neither was ready to let go.

Shepard absentmindedly led Garrus up to her quarters. She didn't have a plan but she knew that she wasn't ready for the night to end. They were both sitting on the couch talking about nothing in particular.

'Garrus, how old are you?' Shepard had never asked but was suddenly very curious.

'35. Why?'

'Wait, Wait, Wait, You're 35?' Shepard had always seen Garrus as a younger brother so she couldn't picture him as being four years older than her.

'Yes Shepard. Wait, did you think I was older?'

'No, I thought you were like 29 at most.'

Garrus chuckled.

'My father always told me I was immature. Think about it this way. Turians enter the military at 15. They usually serve until they are 30, which I did because I felt like I had to prove to my father that I am a good Turian. I had been working for C-sec for three years when you met me.'

'Well, I'll tell you this much, I have to agree with your father.'

They both laughed and any remaining tension between them melted away. Things were returning to normal.

* * *

Garrus stayed with Shepard up until she fell asleep. He was drawn to her now in ways that overwhelmed him. They were acting like friends again but he knew that they weren't okay, not really. The alcohol made them both vulnerable, and they would say anything to fix what happened in the main battery.

Garrus left Shepard's quarters. He planned on showering and trying to get some shut eye. He hadn't been sleeping well lately, mostly because of the unease he felt at not seeing Shepard. Well, it would be more accurate to say it was because Shepard didn't want to see him. Garrus ached for her presence. He missed the jokes, the teasing, and the camaraderie. He missed Shepard.

It didn't take Garrus long to fall asleep, not tonight. He felt content for the first time in a long while, knowing that if nothing else they were talking again. He hoped it would last.


	5. Friend or Foe

**Chapter 5 – Friend or Foe?**

Shepard woke up late. She hated it because it felt like she was missing important things while she slept. And today, she couldn't afford to miss anything. She had to follow up with her crew and plan for the final mission before the Omega 4 relay.

Shepard looked at herself in the mirror and couldn't help but realize how much she had needed the extra sleep. The whole weight of the galaxy plus sleep deprivation had taken its toll on her. To put it nicely, she had looked like hell.

She splashed water on her face and stumbled to the closet. She found a pair of clean fatigues and made her way to the elevator. It was time to get to work.

Her first stop was Tali. She was a friendly face and starting the day talking to her almost never went wrong. Well, except for the treason thing, but Shepard had handled that.

'Hey Shepard.' Tali was staring at the orange console and didn't bother to turn around. Shepard imagined that if she could see through the helmet, Tali would be frowning at the screen.

'Hey Tali, any news?'

'For once, no.'

'Not even anything from Kal?' Shepard couldn't resist teasing the young Quarian.

'No…' Tali didn't even bother to hide her annoyed tone and continued before Shepard could pursue the conversation.

'What about you and Garrus? I heard he was in your cabin veeerrrrry late last night?'

Shepard blushed. What was Tali getting at? She didn't have a response and racked her brain for something to say. Anything to stop Tali from continuing the conversation.

'Actually, I learned something interesting last night…'

'Oh really?' Tali looked at Shepard for the first time since she entered the room.

'Garrus is 35.' It was the only thing she could think to say, hoping it would distract Tali. It also fascinated her just how young he seemed. Everyone else fit their age. Tali and Jack were young and acted like it. Thane and Samara were older and wiser. Garrus was an enigma in this way.

'Really?!' Tali must have been really caught off guard because she stopped her work and completely turned toward Shepard.

'Yeah, I know right?'

Their conversation ended there but Shepard stayed in engineering for a few more moments just enjoying the comfort of Tali's presence. Eventually she continued her rounds, making stops in almost every room aboard the ship.

Shepard only had two people left to check in with, Thane and Garrus. She wanted to see if the conversation she had last night would change things between her and Garrus but she didn't want to rush it. Thane would be first then.

* * *

Garrus was in the mess. He didn't want to be alone in the battery. It was a constant reminder of the fragile state of his relationship with Shepard. He hoped that she would come and talk to him soon.

As he was talking to Gardner about fine Turian cuisine, he heard the elevator doors open.  _ Finally _ , he thought. She usually makes rounds earlier and it didn't help Garrus feel any better that she was delaying her visit.

His first thought upon seeing Shepard was how good she looked, tired but good. He mentally kicked himself for ogling her but he couldn't help it. It was the first time that she looked normal after being resurrected. He had worried that she could never be the same. But, the way she looked now made him feel at ease.

Just as he was about to wave Shepard over, he noticed her trajectory. She wasn't headed toward the battery at all. Garrus excused himself and headed toward Shepard. She was either visiting Kasumi or she was visiting Thane. The latter of which made Garrus uneasy.

Thane was an assassin. He was skilled in the arts of murder and deception. Why would Shepard take such a stupid risk? What did she see in him?

Garrus's fears were realized as he watched the doors of life support close behind the commander.

_ She is making her rounds _ . Garrus had to remind himself constantly that this is how Shepard operated. She cared for her crew and made sure they were all okay. 

_ But she cared for Kaidan more than the others… _

That had been true on the SR-1. What if it was happening now?

Garrus now hated Thane in addition to mistrusting him. He couldn't have Shepard. He wasn't good enough for her. But then again, no one was good enough for Shepard.

_ Breathe…  _

Garrus just wanted Shepard to make it the main battery already. He turned and stalked his way back past the mess hall.

* * *

Thane was calm as usual. He talked to Shepard about his son and about his faith. Shepard was very much interested in the Drell. His culture was fascinating, and he was definitely not what one would expect in an assassin. Shepard always felt enlightened after leaving Thane's company but she didn't have time to stay and chat today. Garrus was waiting.

'Thank you, Thane. I hope all is well with Kolyat.'

'Thank you as well, Siha.'

Thane had taken to calling Shepard Siha in their recent conversations. It made Shepard feel cared for, nicknames always had. She was Commander Shepard to everybody, no one bothered with her first name and she missed the intimacy of it.

As the doors closed behind her she breathed out a heavy sigh of tension. She now had to deal with the hardest part of her day. Her relationship with Garrus was becoming ever more complicated. She liked him as something more than a friend. She was mad at him for not understanding his worth. It was a mess. They had apologized to one another but it felt fragile, tainted by the liquor they had both drank.

She was at the battery door before she knew it.

She knocked. She rarely knocked and it was awkward considering it was her ship. Garrus hit the controls for the door and Shepard made her way to the crate that she usually sat on.

'How are you feeling?' Shepard wondered if Turian hangovers were anything like human ones. If so, Garrus probably wasn't feeling too well.

'I'm good Shepard, ready for the mission.' Shepard hated the formal tone. Was this going to be their new normal? Her heart sank at the thought but she put on a brave face.

'Good. We're on our way to a derelict Reaper.'

'So that's where we're getting the IFF from?'

'Yup.'

'You always take me to the nicest places, Shepard.' Shepard could hear a little humor in Garrus’ words but it wasn’t genuine. 

'You know it.'

Their conversation was forced and awkward. Neither wanted to talk about their feelings but they didn't know how to talk to each other without addressing their problems.

'Actually, I needed your opinion, Garrus.'

'Shoot.'

'Are we ready to end this? I mean if we go to the collector homeworld today do you think everyone would make it back?'

'I think now is our best shot.' Shepard could hear the conviction in Garrus’ voice. He meant it. 

She had spent the last four months making sure her crew's affairs were all in order. If they went now they would have the best chance of everything ending well. Shepard knew this but it was still nice to hear from someone else.

'Okay then, time to take on a Reaper. I'll see you down there.' Shepard hated the words that came out of her mouth. It sounded like she was talking to someone she just met, not a man she’d known for years. She couldn't handle skirting around each other. She really just wanted to lay everything out on the table, move on. She was too afraid that their friendship couldn't handle it.

'Yeah, just let me know when we're almost there and I'll meet you at the airlock.'

'Sounds like a plan.'

And with that, Shepard took her leave. She was frustrated. She wanted to have a real conversation. Not one for the sake of appearances. Was this what they were resigning themselves to, and awkward dance around the truth? Shepar shook her head, it was a start at least. 

* * *

The Illusive Man had screwed them over on the Collector ship and now he was asking Shepard to trust that nothing was going to go horribly wrong on the derelict Reaper. Shepard knew better. But she needed that IFF. She had helped all her crew and there was nothing left to be done. She couldn't put this off any longer.

'EDI, tell Joker that we're headed after that IFF.'

'Aye, Aye. ETA, five minutes.'

Shepard was in the armory when the Normandy started to shake. Ships experienced turbulence regularly in space, but the timing of this couldn't be coincidental and the Normandy was the smoothest ride around. She hoped that this wasn't going to be an omen for the rest of the mission. She made her way to the cockpit to see what all the fuss was about.

'What's with all the chop, Joker?'

'I'm trying my best. The winds gusting to 500 kph.'

Joker's hands were frantically moving across the controls when Shepard's noticed his focus shift to one particular screen.

'There's a second ship alongside the Reaper. It's not transmitting any IFF, but the ladar paints its silhouette at geth.'

Figures there would be more geth. The geth and the Reapers were like best friends in a sick and twisted sort of way.

'I guess we know why the science team stopped reporting in.'

Eventually the Normandy pulled in close enough that the Reaper's mass effect core enveloped them. This was it, time to face the music. Garrus and Thane were waiting at the airlock as Shepard turned away from the cockpit.

The anticipation of what was to come made the entire team tense. What did a Reaper's insides even look like? Shepard didn't want to find out but she couldn't get the IFF from the airlock.

The best way to describe the Reaper interior was eerie. Shepard hadn't expected warm and cozy but it was still extremely unsettling. They hadn't made it very far before they found the first dead Cerberus scientist. This was becoming too much for her and Garrus, as always, took notice.

'Exploring an abandoned area expecting something mechanical and nasty to jump out at us at any moment. Just like old times.' Shepard knew it was meant to sound funny but it was too close to the truth and made her tense.

Suddenly the Reaper was shuddering. As Shepard and her team tried to regain their composure, Joker came in over the comm.

'Normandy to shore party'

'What just happened?' Shepard snapped. She was done with this mission, the Illusive Man, and all the other bullshit that was going wrong.

'The Reaper put up Kinetic barriers. I don't think we can get through from our side.'

'We're trapped. How disquieting.' Thane spoke up for the first time since the mission began. His words mimicked how everyone was feeling but it didn't help to hear it aloud. They needed a new plan.

'We'll have to take down the barrier generators from in here. Any idea where they are?' Shepard wanted a plan, something she could focus on as they weaved their way through the Reaper.

EDI answered her. 'At the moment of activation, I detected a heat spike in what is likely the wreck's mass effect core. Sending the coordinates now. Be advised, this core is also maintaining the Reaper's altitude. '

'So when we take the barriers down to escape, the wreck falls into the planet core.' Great. Shepard tried not to think about how that meant this mission could be her last but Joker piped in just in time to remind her.

'And that means everyone dies. Yeah, Got it.'

'If any helmsman can pull us off this thing before it reaches crush depth, it's you. We’ll make a sweep for survivors and recover what data we can. Stand by.' She wasn't sure if she was reassuring herself or her crew but she knew the words were true the moment she spoke them.

'Aye, Aye. Good Hunting.'

They continued on slowly, working their way through to EDI’s coordinates. They came upon bodies strewn throughout the Reaper. Most were completely unrecognizable. Shepard noticed that the carnage seemed familiar. Shivers ran up her spine and when Thane spoke she nearly jumped out of her skin.

'I've heard stories about this sort of… atrocity. I thought they were exaggerated.' Shepard had to pause to remind herself that Thane wasn't a soldier. He never had to deal with the realities of the front line. She respected and almost envied his naiveté when it came to the savagery of war.

As they continued into the Reaper they began to see the signs of indoctrination. Video logs of confused scientists or scientists overly focused on pieces of Reaper tech. But the odd thing was they still had yet to come across an enemy. No geth, no Collectors. But Shepard's thought came too soon and suddenly husks began crawling onto the walkway.

They were relentless in their onslaught, one wave after the next. It reminded her of Turian war strategy; overwhelm the enemy with numbers. But husks were easy pickings; a good shockwave would send them flying off the edge of the catwalk where they wouldn't be able to come back.

It was only a matter of minutes and they had finished them all off.

'I had wondered if the technology to make husks came from the geth or Sovereign.' Garrus and Shepard gave each other a knowing look as the words left Thane's lips. This was the direct result of Reaper influence, there was no question. But, Shepard was too focused on getting out of the damn Reaper that she didn't bother to acknowledge the statement.

The team came to a corner shortly thereafter. Shepard signaled for them to slow their approach. They could see dead husks, but couldn't make out why. A shot rang out and the last husk fell.

'Sniper!' Garrus shouted and pulled Shepard’s attention. Their eyes locked and he elaborated, 'I couldn't see the shooter. A survivor from the science team?' Shepard hoped this was the case. She couldn't handle the thought of any more surprises.

The team ran into another wave of husks as well as a scion. Garrus and Shepard both worked to wear it down, slowly whittling away its armor. She took aim for the kill shot but was a millisecond too slow as Garrus claimed it. She would be hearing about this for years to come, assuming they all made it out of the Reaper alive.

Just behind the scion's body there was what appeared to be some kind of altar. Shepard recognized it immediately as flashbacks of her first encounters with the geth sprang to mind.

Garrus gave words to what Shepard had been thinking, 'We've seen these before Shepard. Dragon's teeth your people called them. The geth used them on Eden Prime.'

'There are tales of such things among my people. Devices buried on distant worlds that turn the finders into abominations.' Thane voiced in disbelief.

If only they were just that, stories. This was all too real, and far too disturbing. It needed to end. Shepard turned and found the nearest door. She made quick work of hacking it. She may not have been the most tech savvy person, but she had learned a few things from her crew over the years.

The group continued on, wary of what they might find. This mission wasn't going to be easy. They turned another corner when shots zoomed past Shepard's head. Garrus panicked thinking that they were being attacked until he watched the husks slump to the ground behind her.

They searched for the source of the shots and immediately were stunned. A geth was perched atop a platform.  _ This is it, _ Shepard thought.  _ The mass assault of geth starts here _ . It took Shepard a moment to realize that the geth had been killing Reaper forces. She couldn’t understand why.

'Shepard-Commander' The geth stated with a mechanical voice before it turned to leave. Shepard looked in stunned silence at the geth as it walked away.

'The geth was the sniper. I thought geth didn't speak.' Thane’s eyes didn’t leave the spot where the geth had been either.

'Since when do geth operate alone? They get smarter the more of them there are.' Garrus’ voice carried too many emotions and his subvocals sounded disconnected.

Shepard couldn’t find her words. 

_ It’s wearing my armor. _

* * *

Garrus watched Shepard intently. She usually had tactical commentary, satire, something. She was nearly silent, like she was in shock. He wished the mission would just end already. He wanted to get back to the Normandy and put this mission behind him.

They had to weave their way around storage containers to get to the central core of the Reaper. The obstructions could be seen as a tactical advantage, but none of them knew the layout. It didn't help that they were being bombarded by scions. Garrus was really starting to hate those things.

Garrus saw what was happening before Shepard ever could. A scion had made its way to her flank and took the perfect shot. She slumped to the floor. Garrus' stomach dropped. He was utterly useless. Thane took out the last scion and rushed to Shepard. Garrus didn't move. He couldn't take his eyes off her. This couldn't be it. He didn't protect her.

'Are you all right Siha?'

'I'll be fine.' Shepard winced as she spoke. Her injury was bad, and Garrus knew there wasn’t much time before she wouldn’t be able to move.

Thane helped the Commander to her feet. Garrus saw her face and struggled to move. There was blood on her armor and a lot of it. He walked over and administered medigel. It would slow the bleeding for a little while, hopefully until they were back aboard the Normandy.

'All we need to do now is destroy the mass effect core.' Shepard’s voice was breathy with pain.

'Then we get off the ship. Fast.' Garrus didn't know if he meant it because the Reaper would fall into the planet or because Shepard was essentially dying in front of him but he didn't have time to think about it. They had found the IFF.

'That must be it.' Shepard's voice was filled with relief.

'So the Cerberus team did recover it. But where are they now?' Garrus couldn’t shake the feeling that this was too easy and that they were walking into a trap.

The door in front of them had to lead to the mass effect core. It was their best chance of finding survivors and they had to take down the barriers anyway. Shepard moved ahead. Garrus followed as she entered the large room. They saw the geth from earlier, standing in front of a control panel. It was being overrun by husks. Before anyone could stop them, the husks had managed to incapacitate the machine.

Garrus had no time to think about what just happened. This was the end, just one more push. Shepard focused on the core while he and Thane took out the husks. It was tedious because the core would shield itself, in between Shepard’s shots. Garrus tried to focus on the task in front of him but he kept stealing glances at Shepard working at the console. Just as he took out the last husk he heard her.

'Got it!' She sounded weak. 

The Reaper shuddered violently around them but Garrus didn't move.

Thane spoke first, 'Shepard! The geth—I think we should bring it. Its behavior was…strange.' 

'Leave it. We have enough trouble.' Garrus did not want to bring any more liabilities onto the ship and this suggestion wasn't improving his perceptions of Thane.

'Tali said no one's ever captured a geth intact.' Shepard uttered the words so quietly that it almost sounded like she was speaking to herself.

Garrus couldn't believe Shepard was considering taking the geth. They had fought tooth and nail to rid the galaxy of the damn things and now she wanted one as a pet. Was she considering this just because Thane was suggesting it?

'You know the risk. That's all I'm going to say.' Garrus was fuming at this point in part because she was hurt and wasting time but also because she was considering bringing a geth onto the Normandy.

'There's no time for a debate. Move out!' Garrus could still hear the pain in her voice and his visor let him know that she was bleeding again. Shepard was right, they had no time. She had no time.

They ran back the way they came, trying their best to be swift in spite of the fact that Shepard was injured and they were hauling a dead geth back with them.

There was a ten-foot gap between the Reaper and the Normandy. They threw the geth across first and then Garrus jumped. Thane paused to make sure that Shepard wouldn't have husks following her before he made his leap. All that was left was Shepard.

She took a running start and jumped. Garrus instinctually moved to catch her. He could see there was no way she would make the jump on her own. Her approach didn’t have enough speed and he was not going to let her fall to her death. He reached out as far as his arms would allow and barely caught her wrist. He pulled her in close to him and then let joker know that they were aboard. Shepard had lost consciousness. By the time Chawkwas got to them both, Shepard and Garrus were covered in crimson blood.

* * *

Shepard was in bad shape and Garrus didn't want to leave her but Chawkwas wouldn't let him in her med-bay. He felt helpless and lost. She meant everything to him and he couldn't afford to lose her, not again. He should have noticed, should have done something.

He paced the mess while Chawkwas worked. It felt like hours passed before there was any news. When Chawkwas finally came out of the medbay, Garrus was stunned. She was covered in blood.  _ How much did Shepard lose? _

Chawkwas went straight to Garrus to let him know that Shepard was stable but not out of the woods. Her cybernetics were speeding the healing process but it was still a waiting game. Chawkwas ended her spiel by telling everyone in the vicinity of the med-bay that Shepard was to have no visitors until she woke up before she headed to the showers. Garrus was not okay with this.

He waited in the mess, pretending to be checking reports, or his messages. At first he was hoping the crew would clear but Dr. Chawkwas returned from her shower before the mess had emptied. So he continued to wait. He tried to busy himself, talking to Gardner and messaging his sister but he ran out of things to do. He couldn't believe that Chawkwas didn't need to leave the medbay for the entirety of the day.  _ Does she eat in there?  _

Garrus was about to give up and try to sleep when he noticed the doors open. Chawkwas yawned as she headed toward the crew's quarters.

Now was his chance. As soon as she was out of sight he ran to the door. It was locked of course but he could hack most locks in his sleep. He was inside the med-bay in a matter of moments.

The sight of Shepard was disturbing. She was battered and bruised in ways he didn't expect. There was some comfort in the peaceful expression she wore though. Garrus loved her face when she was sleeping. It was like the face of a child, completely unaware of what is occurring around them. He briefly wondered what Shepard had looked like as a child. There had to be a time before she was the great commander, before she was hardened by war and death. The thought passed before he had time to dwell on it.

He took his seat next to her and held her hand. He loved her. The realization slammed into him all at once.There was no way to deny it. She invaded his thoughts and without her in his life everything turned to shit.

She would never feel that for him though. Still, he could be there for her as a friend. He wanted to be whatever she needed. He talked to her even though she wasn’t conscious. Her hand was warm in his and it provided him comfort.

'Shepard. I am so sorry. I wish you knew how much I cared for you. I wish you could feel the same way. But if nothing else, please pull through this. I need you.'

The rest of the night was spent in silence. Garrus eventually drifted off into a tumultuous sleep. Chawkwas came to check on Shepard in the middle of the night. She didn’t seem surprised that Garrus made his way in. She merely nodded at him when he woke, offering him a blanket. 

* * *

Garrus spent almost all his time in the med-bay by Shepard's side. There hadn't been any real changes and she had been out for three days. Chawkwas had to remove the stitches from Shepard's side and for the first time Garrus left willingly. He thought it would be a good opportunity to get some food. He hadn't had a real meal since coming back from the Reaper.

The whole time he ate he watched the med-bay windows. The shades were drawn for Shepard's privacy and he knew the second they were down again, he would rush back into the room. It only took about 15 minutes.

He took his dishes to the sink and turned to see Chawkwas walking toward him.

'She's all yours Garrus.' He wished that were true. He could only dream of being with Shepard but he knew that's not what Chawkwas had meant.

'Thanks doc.'

Garrus made his way back to the med-bay. Shepard should wake up soon and he didn't want her to wake up alone. He didn't want anyone else there either. He imagined what it would be like if Thane were in there when Shepard woke, which only made him angry. He couldn't wrap his head around why Shepard would trust an assassin, let alone spend so much of her free time alone with him. And he definitely did not want him to be there when Shepard woke up.

The doors whooshed open, and there she was, great Commander Shepard snoring in the med-bay. She always snored when she got a good night's rest. Garrus found it to be one of her most endearing qualities and it reminded him that she was fallible, normal. He took his post beside her bed and waited.

It almost startled him when she opened her eyes. He had barely sat down and he mentally kicked himself for leaving. Had he been a few minutes later she would have woken up alone in a med-bay, which is every soldier's worst nightmare.

* * *

Shepard blinked, the lights were blinding and that told her she was not in her cabin. The sharp pain in her side told her she was injured and the well-rested feeling told her she had been out for a while.

She heard Garrus next to her before she saw him. He unconsciously hummed when he was nervous. It was nearly inaudible unless he was close to you.

Shepard spoke with a voice that was hoarse from disuse. 'How long was I out?'

'Almost four days. Didn't look good in the beginning but you know Chawkwas.' Garrus tried hard to hide the raw emotion in his voice.

'Did we get it?' Concern spread across Shepard’s features briefly as she waited for Garrus’s reply.

'The IFF, yeah. And a fancy, deadly new toy.' Garrus’s retort was full of sarcasm. He hated the idea of using Reaper tech on the Normandy and bringing a geth on board made him nervous. It felt like they were about to shoot themselves in the foot.

Her memory was foggy but Shepard could not forget bringing a geth onboard even if she tried.

'Is everyone else alright?' Shepard asked as panic rose in her throat.

'Well, aside from the scion that decided you were a good target. Nothing on this mission went completely FUBAR. '

Shepard felt a weight lift off of her. She never felt okay until she knew her team was fine. After 13 years as an alliance marine she knew better than to assume the best. She was grateful that Garrus had been there with her. It was one step back to normal.

'I couldn't do this without you, Garrus.'

'Sure you could. Not as stylishly of course.' His chuckle vibrated through her body and she blushed. 

'Huh, yeah…' she was trying to sound casual but the worry was written on her face. Her feelings for Garrus bubbled to the surface every time she spoke with him and she wasn’t sure how she was supposed to continue on acting like nothing had changed between them.

'Hey, what's wrong?' If she were honest, she would have laid it all out. She would tell him that she wanted him, needed him.

'This all just seems weird; I've never been on a suicide mission before. Risky missions sure, but nothing that was deemed outright impossible.' This was part of the truth; this whole mission was bothering Shepard.

'Shepard, I think you forgot about Elysium. No one would argue if you called that suicidal.'

'Yeah, I guess. But that was different; I didn't plan for the Skyllian Blitz. With the Collectors, I pretty much know what I'm getting myself into.' Shepard rarely shared her fears with anyone. She had to be  _ the Commander Shepard. _ Fear and doubt didn’t play into that persona. Telling Garrus that she was uncertain about the mission was a vulnerable act. 

'I feel the same way some days. It's strange going into a suicide mission on a human ship. Your people don't prepare for high risk operations the way Turians do.' Shepard caught a hint of humor in the tone of his voice and ran with it.

'Oh yeah? Why don't you enlighten me, how do Turian crews prep for something like this?' The back and forth banter was comforting to Shepard, it was almost as if they were okay again.

'Well, violence usually. Turian ships have more operational discipline than your Alliance, but fewer personal restrictions. Our commanders run us tight and they know we need to blow off steam. We have training rooms for exercise, combat sims, even full-contact sparring. Whatever lets people work off stress.'

Shepard nearly choked. The mental image of Turian frigates full of people wrestling flooded her mind and she had to fight desperately not to laugh.

'You fight each other? I have a hard time believing that could help you relax. '

'The fights are supervised, Shepard. No sane person would risk an injury that could cost them a mission. The fights are usually a good way to settle grudges amicably.' He chided her with amusement in his eyes.

'Key word being usually.' Serious fights never ended amicably, Shepard knew this all too well and it's what made her most nervous about her fight with Garrus.

'Well, there are some grudges that can't be solved with a fight.'

It sounded like Garrus was speaking from experience and Shepard's interest was piqued. She had been meaning to talk to him. She didn't like how they couldn't be in the same room together and all she could think about was how much she wanted him.

'Oh, really? That seems interesting.'

'You want a story, don't you?' Shepard could have sworn he rolled his eyes.

* * *

Shepard just looked at Garrus expectantly. It was a human expression he had learned well in his time at C-sec. He wasn't going to disappoint, after all this was the first real time they had spoken without the aid of alcohol since their fight.

'Okay fine… I remember right before one mission we were about to hit a Batarian pirate squad. Very risky. This recon scout and I had been at each other's throats. Nerves mostly. She suggested we settle it in the ring.'

'I take it the fight didn't fix your problem.' The smile on Shepard’s face was warm and soothing.

'Well, the fight itself was frustrating as hell. She and I were the top-ranked hand-to-hand specialists on the ship. I had reach, but she had flexibility. It was brutal. After nine rounds, the judge called it a draw. There were a lot of unhappy betters in the training room.'

'So the fight got you nowhere?' 

Garrus had been unsure how truthful to be about the story. Most humans were not fans of fraternization in the military and Garrus did not want to offend his CO. But it was Shepard and she had never judged him before, at least not seriously. She never seemed bothered by regs and she would know if he were lying anyway.

'Not exactly… We, ah, ended up holding a tiebreaker in her quarters. I had reach, but she had flexibility. More than one way to work off stress, I guess.'

'Well, it sounds like you're carrying some tension. Maybe I could help you get rid of it, the Turian way.' 

It sounded like Shepard just propositioned him…it had to be a joke. Just like all the times they pretended to be together to ward off people in bars. Except, there was no one here and they had no reason to flirt. Well if it was humor she wanted, Garrus could deliver.

'Shepard in case you were unaware, you're in the med-bay. I don't think you are up for sparring.'

'You know damn well that wasn't what I meant.' She stared at him, the seriousness plastered on her face. 

Garrus was dumbfounded. He had never needed help in the romance department but this was completely unexpected. Shepard wanted him too? That couldn't be right. She could have any man human or otherwise. Why would she pick Garrus Vakarian, the galaxy's biggest fuck up?

'You must have hit your head, I don't think you know what you're saying so, I'm just going to let myself out.' He couldn't handle the truth if she was joking with him so now was as good a time as any to make his exit. Shepard squeezed his hand and Garrus had almost forgotten they had been entwined. Her hand had too many fingers but somehow it always fit perfectly in his. There was a warmth to her touch that made his thoughts fog. He stared at their hands and slowly brought his eyes up to meet hers. There were tears in her eyes as she stared back at him and his heart was suddenly in his throat. 

'Garrus, you've always been there for me. I realized just how much you mean to me, it's important that you understand that.'

She wasn't joking. He felt his heartbeat racing and knew that if Shepard were Turian she would notice the subtle color change of his plates. But, Shepard wasn't Turian. As far as he knew she only dated humans. Why was she interested in the worst Turian the galaxy had to offer? And why now? He had to say something. He couldn't just leave when Shepard had laid everything out like this. What to say would be the hard part.  _ The truth is always the best option. _

'Wow Shepard. I would be lying if I said I don't care for you too but a lot has happened, and not just between you and Kaidan. I know you and Thane are close but even that isn't what is making me nervous. Hell, the galaxy is in peril and we're supposed to fix it. I just… I want this to be more than…I don't want you to want me just because the galaxy is ending.'

Garrus looked to Shepard expectantly but he could see the exact moment she shut down. He wanted to take it all back, put the smile back on her face.

'Ouch Vakarian. It seems like you don't trust my judgment. You know what, forget I said anything.' 

'I trust you Shepard, more than anyone else. You're my best friend…' Garrus desperately wanted to salvage the conversation. 

'Garrus I… I want us to be more than that. I want to be with someone I care about. I want to be with someone I can trust.'

Garrus wanted nothing more than to believe her. He wanted to crawl into the bed and hold her like he did the night after Horizon. The only problem was that he knew how she had felt about Kaidan, and he didn't believe her feelings were entirely gone. It had only been three months since Horizon.

'Shepard, I can't… If we do this, it has to be real. I won't be Kaidan's replacement. I… I am not saying no; I need to think about this.'

He paused. He wanted to apologize and say yes. He wanted to be over his insecurities and just accept that the most incredible woman to have ever existed wanted him. But he couldn't, at least not yet.

'Just, get better first. Then, we'll talk.'

* * *

Shepard simply nodded in reply; she couldn't find the right words to make him understand and if he needed time to think, so be it. He left to work in the battery and she was alone.

When the silence finally washed over Shepard she noticed the knot in her stomach. She didn't know exactly when it had formed but she knew why it was there. The man of her dreams turned her down.

Uncertainty slowly crept through her. Was she really trying to replace Kaidan? No, if she wanted a Kaidan stand in she would try Jacob. They were essentially the same loyal puppy dog with different uniforms. When she looked at Garrus the world froze. The way she felt about him had nothing to do with the galaxy around her and it had everything to do with him. He was everything she admired and desired.

Garrus' words swam circles in her head. It sounded like he wanted her but maybe he wasn't really interested. Maybe he wasn't over how she saved Sidonis. Maybe he was trying to let her down gently. She couldn't bear the thought of Garrus leading her on. If that were the case, she would welcome a suicide mission with open arms.

EDI's mechanical voice interrupted Shepard's frantic thoughts. 'Commander Shepard, the geth unit you retrieved from the derelict Reaper has been stored in the AI core.'

'Thanks EDI.' Shepard hoisted herself up and limped to the AI core.

'I guess it's time to go activate that thing.'


	6. Self Doubt

**Chapter 6 – Self Doubt**

Shepard stood in front of the galaxy map for hours. It wasn't that she was planning anything in particular; she had set her destination quite a while ago. She was just trying to pick someone to go with her and Legion to the heretic station. Tali was out of the question for obvious reasons and things with Garrus were difficult now, at best. Unfortunately, there went her top two choices. The rest of the crew would follow Shepard regardless of the enemy…but she needed someone with advanced tech skills. That left Mordin and Kasumi as her only choices.

Kasumi had been weird around Shepard for the last few weeks and Shepard really didn't have the time to deal with that on this mission. She hoped it was the last thing she had to do before dealing with the Collectors. She cared for her crew but there was a point where she would have to stop humoring them.

'EDI, tell Mordin and Legion to meet me at the airlock.' It was time to get moving.

* * *

The heretic station was peculiar in many ways and in retrospect, Shepard should have anticipated this. Even so she couldn't help but note the differences from that of organic cultures. Shepard had spent her whole life on ships. She had seen the galaxy and had grown to understand that sapient life might vary, but no race was completely unique. Organics lived their lives based on specific needs; food, shelter, sex. The geth were truly alien simply because they didn't have those needs. The station reflected that, much to Shepard's unease.

As they made their way through the station Shepard became lost in her thoughts. She was trying to understand how the geth could fracture. They are synthetic beings who operate through consensus; they work through an issue until one solution is evidently clear. Now there were geth and there were heretics. Why would the geth split in two groups when their entire intelligence is based on their population? It made no sense to her.

The heretic platforms were connected to hubs, completely unaware of the assault team invading their home. Shepard paused at the thought; do synthetics really have a home? It didn't matter; she could struggle with the academics of geth operations after she was out of the station.

Mordin suggested sneaking through the station but that wasn't feasible. If they opened the door all the geth in the immediate vicinity would be alerted to their presence.

'Preemptive strike it is…'

Shepard took aim, not at any one geth in particular, but at the hub itself. She guessed that it would cause the most damage and she was right. The explosion was small but the geth were close enough to get caught in the blast.

She took aim at the largest of the three geth as her team took the other two. The sound of three metal bodies hitting the floor happened in unison.

Shepard stopped in the aftermath. Memories of Feros were flooding her mind and she remembered how the geth had set up alters for the Reapers. It reminded her of the way the Hanar worshipped the Protheans. Maybe the geth weren't so alien after all.

The team progressed through the station, meeting small pockets of resistance along the way. It was a relatively simple mission and Shepard was praying that it would stay that way. Her injuries from the derelict Reaper hadn't had time to heal properly and she didn't feel the need to strain herself.

Legion stopped midway through a corridor and Shepard was uncertain what was happening.

'Wait. We discovered copies of our current patrol routes in this database. This suggests the heretics have runtimes within our networks.'

'We wouldn't be here if the heretics wanted to be friends with the geth. Why wouldn't they spy on you?' Any soldier would know of the technical advantage of knowing your enemy's habits, so why wouldn't Legion? Shepard was genuinely curious.

'You do not understand. Organics do not know each other's minds. Geth do. We are not suspicious. We accept each other. The heretics desired to leave. We understood their reasons. We allowed it. There was peace between us.' 

Shepard waited and considered what her companion said. It might have been true originally but when groups have fundamentally different beliefs, suspicious behavior is likely to follow.

'It couldn't have lasted forever. You disagreed about what path your race should take.' 

'Human history is a litany of bloodshed over differing ideals of rulership and afterlife. Geth have no such history. We shared consensus on such things. How could we have become so different? Why can we no longer understand each other? What did we do wrong?'

Shepard was taken aback by the questions Legion posed. They were questions she considered often when facing an enemy and she didn't have good answers. She couldn't reconcile the questions for herself, how was she supposed to do so for someone else? The only answer she could give was superficial and unsatisfactory at best.

'When individuals are separated, they develop in different ways. When they get back together, they don't always get along.'

'If this is the individuality you value, we question your judgment. This topic is irrelevant. We must return to the mission.'

Legion was right. They couldn't afford to sit and dwell on questions of how geth fit into the natural order. It was giving Shepard a headache anyway and she now had a tough decision to make. She could either kill the offending geth or she could rewrite their beliefs about the Reapers. Neither was very appealing.

Legion had to delete the heretic virus before anything else could happen, which bought Shepard some more time. Unfortunately, the heretics responded violently to this action.

They set to work.

It only took Legion a few minutes to delete the virus but in that time the heretics had mounted a rather impressive offense. Shepard had become distracted and let a geth trooper flank her. Mordin was quick and had incinerated it before it had a chance to attack. Shepard turned on her heel at the sound and blasted it with her shotgun. A sharp pain ran up her side where she had injured herself a few days prior and she knew that she couldn’t keep up the fight. Thankfully though, that was the last of the geth in the area.

'Shepard-Commander. It is time to choose. Do we rewrite the heretics, or delete them?'

Shepard wasn't ready to make this decision but time really was up. She just wanted to get the hell out of there.

'Rewrite them.' Shepard didn't want to enact genocide. The geth might be synthetic but they were capable of advanced thought. Legion proved this throughout the mission. She hated the idea of brainwashing them but it seemed kinder. They were only machines right?

It was finally time to get out of there and they had to move fast. Legion didn't mention the harmful effects of rewrite until after uploading the virus which made the need for haste all the more pressing.

But, of course it wasn't easy. There were geth waiting outside the doors to the Normandy. Shepard didn't want to waste time on this, they were outnumbered and outgunned. A retreat was the simplest option.

'Forget them, RUN!'

Shepard could feel the numbing pain in her side. She had handled worse and the medical VI in her suit would soon be doing its job. She had a team to protect and couldn't worry about it yet.

Shepard made it to the door first and provided covering fire for her team. She held her breath until both Mordin and Legion made it inside.

She signaled Joker to get the hell out of there and made her way to the elevator. As soon as she walked into her cabin, Joker came over the comm. Tali and Legion were fighting.  _ Great. _

* * *

_ She wants me.  _ The thought made Garrus' breath catch. Shepard wanted him above anyone else in the damn galaxy. He couldn't wrap his head around the idea. He wished that he could just accept it as fact and be with her. Spirits knew he wanted her. Fuck, he loved her but there was a voice in his head that told him to be weary.

_ She was with Kaidan. She loved him. _ _ But he betrayed her and she said it was over. _ Garrus wanted to believe her. Why did it have to be so hard? A few days ago, Garrus would have given everything to be with Shepard. Now, he just couldn't let his guard down.

Nothing was ever simple.

It didn't help that she was now on a mission, with a geth, and he couldn't watch her back. He didn't blame her for not taking him after the way their last conversation ended. He turned her down, sort of.

_ What the hell do I do? _

He wandered through the crew deck trying to clear his mind. When he found the port lounge empty he took refuge at the bar. It was stocked well with his favorite Turian brandy and was one of his few comforts. Shepard knew and always made sure to have it stocked so that he would feel at home. He was beginning to feel like an idiot. If he had just said yes, like he desperately wanted to, they could find a few moments of bliss in this shitty situation.

In his rambling thoughts, Garrus hadn't been paying attention to his visor. If he had, he would have noticed Kasumi's heat signature approaching. It seemed like, anytime he was thinking about Shepard he was too distracted to notice his surroundings.

He let out a sigh as Kasumi uncloaked. If he had a gun he probably would have shot her, but since Omega he had learned to steel his nerves.

Kasumi noticed Garrus tense his muscles and immediately took a defensive posture.

'Easy. You're in my room, remember?'

'Do you usually hang out in your room cloaked?'

'Only when someone comes in looking as pissed as you do.'

'What's that human expression…Touché?'

Garrus really didn't want to humor Kasumi. She seemed nice, but she was a thief and therefore could not be trusted. Unfortunately, she couldn't take the hint and kept pressing him. Garrus could swear she was enjoying his misery.

'So, what brings you to the bar? No offense but if you plan on making frequent visits, we may have to trade rooms.'

'I can leave.'

'No, I didn't mean… You can stay, I was just wondering what's up.'

'No offense but I don't feel like sharing.' His words were coated with disdain and anger; neither of which were necessarily meant for Kasumi.

'Mind if I take a guess?' 

'You're not going to drop this are you?'

'Probably not.' Kasumi sported what would best be described as a smug grin. It didn't sit well with Garrus.

He thought about leaving. It would be so easy not to deal with Kasumi but she could be of some use. If he couldn't figure out what to do on his own maybe she could provide some advice. He wouldn't give her any of the details of course but she was someone to talk to.

'Then shoot.'

'Hmm. In my experience, when a person is looking for answers at the bottom of a glass it usually has to do with love.'

Garrus didn't say anything. She hadn't actually guessed; she was just thinking out loud. No point in giving her hints, that was just more ammo for her to use against him.

'And judging by how you aren't saying anything to correct me, I'm going to assume it has to do with a woman, well assuming you're into women.'

'I am.' Garrus struggled to sound calm and collected.

'Interesting. Well, whoever she is, you really like her.' Kasumi sounded as if she could break into a chuckle at any moment.

'Oh really?' 

'You wouldn't be so torn up otherwise.'

'I guess not.'

'So, do I really have to guess everything? I mean I can but it would be a lot faster if you shared.' Garrus could hear the slight frustration in Kasumi’s voice.

'I'm not really good at sharing.' Garrus knew that Kasumi was smart and the less he spoke the better. She didn’t need any of his secrets to use against him.

'I can work with that. I'm guessing she doesn't love you back.'

The next few words left Garrus' mouth before he had time to think about it.

'I wish, that would be easier.' The words felt wrong. Garrus wanted Shepard to love him. He just wanted to be sure it was love and not some misguided need for affection.

'Well, that makes no sense. You love her, she loves you. What's hard about that?'

Kasumi was right, as frustrating as that was. Garrus was making a bigger deal out of this than it needed to be. Or was he? How did he know Shepard's feelings were real? Maybe she was just picking up on how he felt about her.

'She was with someone else.'

'And the word you need to focus on is  _ was _ .' The tone in Kasumi’s voice made it clear she thought his hesitation was stupid.

'And how do I know that she truly loves me now? What if she just misses him?' Garrus was starting to feel the brandy and was talking far too openly with Kasumi. Something told him he was going to regret this conversation.

'Do you trust her?'

'With my life'

'Then there is your answer. If she said it, she meant it.'

Garrus paused and set down the glass he had been nursing. He had the first moment of clarity in a very long time. He really did trust Shepard. He never had a reason to doubt her, why start now? She meant everything that she said.  _ Everything.  _ Garrus felt a surge of heat to his face. He didn't just feel like an idiot; he was an idiot. She loathed Kaidan for what he did. She would never trust him again, let alone want to be with him. He mentally kicked himself for being a damn fool. When Shepard got back, he would have to tell her what she meant to him and apologize for being so thick.

'You, sir… are blushing.'

'Turians don't blush.'

'You may not turn red but you do indeed change color. I call that blushing.' And with that, the grin was back.

'And that is my cue.' Garrus mock saluted as he left for the main battery.

'Hey EDI, can you tell me when Shepard is back?'

'Commander Shepard returned fifteen minutes ago Mr. Vakarian.'

Shit. Well, no time like the present.

'Where is she now?'

'In the AI core. There seems to be a dispute between Legion and Tali'

'Thank you EDI.'

* * *

'This will never end if you act like children.'

Shepard was tired of her crew. Mistrust and suspicion were running rampant and she hated how no one could get over the past.

'They could attack my people Shepard.'

`And your people could attack his. Your war will never end at this rate.'

Tali let out a deep breath. Shepard knew she got through; she just hoped that it would be enough.

'Legion, I understand why you wanted to share the information with the other geth but you know what would happen.' Tali was half pleading in her tone.

Shepard broke into the conversation with the most authoritative voice she could muster.

'If a war breaks out between your people, both sides will suffer, is it worth it?'

There was a pause as both Tali and Legion seemed to consider the consequences of their actions in this moment.

'Creator-Zorah. For the sake of team harmony, we will not upload the data.'

'Thank you Legion. How about I give you non-classified information to send?'

Shepard left. The problem was handled; any of the finer points could be worked out without her. She was starting to feel the effects of the mission. She could feel the side splitting pain intensifying and knew that she needed to rest. Just as she was almost out of the med-bay, Chawkwas called her over.

'Commander, Garrus was just here. He would like to talk to you when you have a chance.'

'Thank you, Karin.'

Shepard tried to keep the panic out of her voice. She was dreading what would happen when Garrus finally made a decision. Shepard was a fan of gambling but this time, she didn't like her odds. She headed to her cabin. She needed a shower and if she was going to get rejected, she could at least be in the comfort and privacy of her room.

* * *

EDI came to life in the corner of the battery. Garrus was used to her intrusions at this point. It had been more than four months since Shepard found him on Omega and EDI was her favorite tool for communication.

'Garrus, Shepard wants to speak with you in her quarters.'

_ Finally!  _ It had been almost half an hour since he had been in the med-bay. It didn't seem appropriate to interrupt the screaming match in progress, so he enlisted the help of Chawkwas in relaying his message. The wait was starting to bother him but, at least he had sobered up.

'I'll be right there.'

He walked to the elevator and wasn't sure if he should be excited or frantic. There was a knot in his throat and he could feel his mandibles pulled tight against his cheeks. Only two people in the galaxy could make Garrus Vakarian nervous, his father and Shepard.

The elevator ride seemed short but it may have been the fact that Garrus was preoccupied with what was about to occur. It was either going to be wonderful or horrid; his stomach couldn't handle either scenario.

Shepard's door wasn't locked and as he went to knock it opened. There was no sign of her in the cabin. Garrus timidly walked into the room and was immediately struck by the sound of the shower. He should have asked EDI if now was a good time for Shepard.

It was too late and he was already in her cabin so he found the couch and made himself at home. He tried very hard not to think about how he felt. She wouldn't be long.

The shower was still running 20 minutes later and Garrus couldn't help but be a little impatient. She invited him up here right, so why was she taking her sweet time? He could knock. I mean he waited and if she needed more time, he could come back later.

_ She might not want to talk to me. I did walk away, just like Kaidan. Crap. _

Garrus' self-doubt was slowly becoming his most notorious trait. Shepard said she wanted to be with him. He loved her but made an ass of things. Maybe she was afraid of what he had to say.

He made it to the door and let out a heavy sigh. He ran a Talon along the frame knowing that just on the other side, the woman he loved was waiting.

He knocked. No answer. Maybe she couldn't hear him.

He knocked again. No answer.

He tried to rationalize things. Shepard was a soldier, the best of the best. She had spent years honing her perceptive skills in battle so that under no circumstance could she be caught off guard. Now, a very large Turian was banging on her bathroom door and there was no answer.

She was either purposefully ignoring him or something was wrong.

* * *

Shepard was on Earth. She was lying in a field with water running down her face and loud banging in the distance. Was it thunder? Gunshots? She couldn't remember anything, let alone how she got to the field. Alarms began to go off in her head and dread seemed to fill the air.

What could she remember? Shepard steadied her breathing and focused on the events leading up to this point.

_ I was on the Normandy. I had just talked to Tali and Legion. I was in my cabin. I started the shower and pulled off my armor. Blood, there was blood. Shit. _

She looked down her side and could see the crimson stain growing rapidly in her white shirt. What the hell was happening? None of it made sense. How did she go from her bathroom to a field on Earth?

* * *

Garrus couldn't handle the possibility that something was wrong. He didn't stop to contemplate the ethics of whether or not to open the door; he had already waited too long.

She was on the floor, surrounded by swirls of blood and water. Garrus almost couldn't move. From the waist down she was still in her armor. From the waist up he could see where her incision had been ripped open.

God damn it Shepard. He scooped her up as carefully as possible and took care where he made contact with her wound. 

'EDI, tell Chawkwas to get the med-bay ready, Shepard's hurt. And make sure the elevator is up here now!'

'Right away.'

It was times like this that Garrus wished that the Normandy had stairs. He hated waiting for the elevator to make it down the two floors. He watched Shepard slowly slipping away in his arms and pain ran through his chest. She can't die…He needed her.

By the time Garrus made it to the crew deck Shepard was paler than any human he had ever seen. He knew that every moment that ticked by was one less moment that Chawkwas had to save her. But Chawkwas was the best; he hoped that would be enough.

The med-bay turned into a flurry of movement the second Shepard hit the table. Chawkwas privately cursed under her breath as she cut away the light fabric of Shepard's undersuit. The two assistants that were in the room attempted to get Garrus to leave but Chawkwas needed them and Garrus knew how to stay out of the way.

Garrus was numb. This was not how he imagined his evening going. Even his worst case scenario was better than watching Shepard fade away. He should have knocked as soon as he was in her room. He should have asked EDI to keep an eye on her after the last mission.

Slowly his guilt shifted. Now he was just angry. Why didn't Shepard wait? She should have let herself heal. Why did she push herself? Why didn't she care about her own safety?

In the midst of watching the madness unfold in front of him, Garrus had slumped to the ground. His back was against a wall, his face was in his palms. Time slowed, sounds dulled. Chawkwas' pace steadied and eventually all she was doing was checking the machines. She was still cursing under her breath but the concerned expression that had been plastered on her face was fading.

She turned her attention to Garrus but he couldn't bring himself to return her glance. He feared the worst.

'Garrus, she'll live, thanks to you. A few more minutes and well... we might not have been so lucky.'

Garrus let the gravity of the situation hit him but he didn't say a word. What could he say?

'I'll leave you with her. If any alarms go off, find me.' There was impressive authority in the end of her words and Garrus knew that he would obey them without question.

The door whooshed closed and Garrus commanded the blinds shut. His voice was rough from the tears he was attempting to choke back. He hadn't cried since he was a child, it was considered undistinguished in Turian culture. But, at this moment he couldn't care less. He let his head fall to his knees and sobbed. She was going to be okay and he knew it but thinking about how close he came to losing her was too much.

He knew in that moment that he belonged to her in a very visceral way. He stood up and pulled the nearest chair to her bed. He needed to tell her everything, even if she couldn't hear him.


	7. The Best Laid Plans

**Chapter 7: The Best Laid Plans**

Shepard was in the grass field, except she wasn't. She knew that this was some kind of dream because the last thing she remembered was being on the Normandy, far from Earth. She tried to make out what city she was looking at, but it was difficult with her brief memories of the planet. Maybe it was Vancouver? Her parents had a house there. Well, they used to.

Now the house was hers. When her father died, her mother couldn't see the need to keep it. Shepard used to wish that her parents would have retired when they had her. Life aboard spaceships was lonely, especially for a child. Maybe if she had grown up on Earth, she would have chosen a different career. All this Reaper business would be someone else's problem. But they probably would be dead if it weren't for her.

Her dream shifted scenery. She recognized it as Mexican countryside. There were the greenest mountains she had ever seen in her life. It was lush and expansive with no city to pollute the natural beauty. She stood in awe, the few times she was on earth she rarely got to see such beauty. She had only seen this from the holos of her parent’s honeymoon.

She could see people off in the distance, one human and one Turian. She moved closer, intrigued by the pairing. She stopped mere feet from what appeared to be their picnic. Shock would be the only way to describe how she felt.

Garrus was sitting on one side of the blanket; he was leaning heavily on his knees while staring at his companion. Shepard was the human. Neither had noticed her intrusion. She couldn't understand why she would be watching this from the outside. Why would her mind want her to see this as a third party?

Garrus started talking so she tried to focus, ignoring her looming confusion.

'I have been so stupid Shepard…'

The Shepard that he was speaking to said nothing. She just listened, smiling the entire time.

'I have loved you for a long time. I was dying for you to care about me but I thought it could never happen.' He paused and took hold of the woman's hand.

'When you said that you cared for me, well, I just couldn't believe that was true. I started to doubt not just myself but you. I know better than to question you Shepard. I will always regret that decision. I just hope that I get the chance to make it up to you. Please, just wake up.'

He cupped his companion's cheek with his three fingered hand and rubbed away the tears that were streaming down her cheeks.

* * *

Garrus wiped the hair away from Shepard's face and hoped that she could hear him. It didn’t really matter, he would have the chance to tell her everything again when she woke up.

He slowly began to doze off in the chair. Doctor Chawkwas was coming back into the room to check on Shepard and noticed his state of exhaustion.

'Garrus, she will be fine. You need to go get some rest. Consider it doctor's orders.'

Garrus didn't have the energy to argue. As much as he wanted to stay by Shepard's side he knew that Chawkwas would get her way eventually. It was simpler and faster for him to go get a couple hours of sleep and come right back.

Garrus made his way to the crew's quarters and tried to settle in for the night, but he just couldn't sleep. He'd fall into a brief dream in which Shepard was dying and then he would wake up in a rather violent fashion. It would take him a few moments to realize where he was and what had happened. He couldn't take it anymore.

Time to calibrate. It had become a running joke on the Normandy that he was in love with the ship's guns. In reality he just needed something to tinker with. Keeping his hands busy helped clear his mind. Right now, he needed clarity desperately.

It had only been a few minutes since he had left his bunk and he could hear someone approaching the other side of the door. For a brief moment he thought it was Shepard but the crushing reality of where she was hit him in the chest. He barely had the time to regain his composure before Tali walked into the room.

'Good, you're here.'

Garrus could hear the telltale signs that Tali had been crying in spite of her attempts to sound calm. He waited for her to continue; she obviously had something on her mind.

'Wait. Why aren't you in the medbay?'

Leave it to Tali to distract herself. Garrus let out a heavy sigh before he answered.

'Chawkwas kicked me out.'

'Ah… well I wanted to ask you something.'

Garrus could see how nervous Tali was. She was twisting her hands together and he could tell, even through her helmet, that she was trying her best not to look at him.

'Go ahead Tali…'

'Okay, um… Well let me explain something first. I. Um. Well, Shepard is like my sister and you in a lot of ways are like a brother to me. I just… You know what, let me start over.'

Garrus raised one of his brow plates. Tali was fumbling, in a rather spectacular fashion, which was unusual for the chatty Quarian. Garrus waited for her to gather her thoughts and try again.

'You and Shepard are two of the most important people in my life. You have been for as long as I have known both of you. I also know that you mean a lot to each other. I always thought, even before Kaidan, that you two were meant to be together, as something more than just friends. Now though… Well, what in the name of Keelah happened between you two?'

Garrus didn't know what to say at first. The room was suddenly too warm and he could feel Tali's stare prickling at his plated skin.

'The short answer is, it's complicated.'

'I have time, explain.' Her impatience was plain and she shifted her weight to one of her hips.

'What do you know?'

'Well, you were angry with her after the Citadel mission. You two were distant and then it seemed to get better, but now I'm not so sure.'

Garrus was guarded. He didn't exactly know what to say. Tali was the one person other than Shepard he could possibly confide in. He talked to Kasumi but had been vague on purpose. This was different, entirely too personal for his liking. He waited a few more minutes, hoping that an obvious course of action would become apparent. He finally succumbed to his need for a friend. As much as he wanted to talk to Shepard, he wasn't sure how and Tali always had a way with words.

'I… love her. But, I ruined it.' It was all Garrus could manage to say. The honesty of the statement unnerved him. He really had ruined his last chance at a good thing in the universe. Garrus pulled his mandibles close to his face and sank his head. It was a feeble attempt to hide just how ashamed he was with himself.

'Garrus, what do you mean you ruined it?' 

Garrus breathed out heavily in response to Tali's line of questioning. The reverberating sound in his chest echoed through the small room. He ruined lots of things in his life but this was the hardest to share.

'She confessed that she wanted to be with me. I hesitated…I was afraid and said things that I regret. Shepard deserved, deserves better.'

Tali was quiet, contemplating what Garrus had said. 

'That explains a lot.'

'Yeah, I'm an idiot.' He choked the words out as a deep pain settled in his chest.

'I don't know about that.'

'Well, what would you call me then?'

'You're out of your element. When exactly was the last time you tried to be with a human?'

She was right of course but Garrus didn't feel any better because of it. If anything it caused his nerves to spike. How could he be with Shepard if he knew almost nothing about her species?

'Exactly, I'm an idiot when it comes to humans.'

'You might be a Bosh’tet where humans are concerned but we are not talking about humans. We're talking about Shepard and you know her better than anyone. Trust me Garrus, there is no one in the universe who is better for her.'

Tali's words filled him with pride. Here was one of the people closest to both himself and Shepard, and she thought they belonged together.

'Then how do I fix the mess I'm in?' It was a sincere question that had been weighing on his mind since he left the medbay. It had been easy to tell Shepard how he felt when she couldn't talk back. There was no risk of being turned down.

'Talk to her. She was always your confidant, why stop now?'

'I guess... I should get back to the medbay.'

And with that Tali and Garrus both left the main battery.

* * *

Mordin sang while he worked. It wasn't unpleasant but it was highly amusing to wake up to.

Shepard, in fact, had been awake for a few minutes now but she didn't feel the need to open her eyes just yet. She was enjoying the sounds of people working, completely unaware of their surroundings. These were candid moments that she rarely got to see as a commanding officer.

She heard the doors open and close again. Chawkwas returned and gave a light greeting to Mordin before asking about Shepard's condition.

'She hasn't woken up yet?' Shepard tried hard not to smile.

'Actually, Shepard is awake. Just keeping eyes closed. Haven't asked why…yet.'

Damn it Mordin. Always far too observant.

'Just enjoying the atmosphere.' Shepard worked to keep her tone light but the hoarseness of her throat wouldn't allow it. She tried to prevent herself from coughing but it was too late. Mordin offered her the glass of water that was sitting next to her bed and she gladly accepted.

It dawned on her that she had no idea how she ended up injured.

'So doc, what am I in for this time?'

The look on Chawkwas' face lost all of its friendliness. She was stern and unyielding as she came closer to Shepard.

'You didn't listen, again. If Garrus hadn't found you… Well, let's just say I wouldn't have the chance to be angry.'

Garrus had found her? That didn't answer anything. Chawkwas continued.

'I told you that your stitches hadn't completely healed before you went to the geth station. I advised you to wait. You split open all the stitches and bled into your armor.'

'And, Garrus found me.'

'Correct. I am confining you to the medbay until I clear you for duty, understood?'

There were times where Chawkwas could make Shepard forget she was the higher ranking officer; this was one of them.

'Understood.'

'I'm sure you have more questions, but I need to see Miranda about restocking the medbay before we travel to the collector homeworld.'

Chawkwas left with Mordin in tow, he said something about lab equipment but Shepard had shifted focus. She wanted to find Garrus. She still didn't understand all of what happened.

Shepard tried to adjust to the light in the room but it was far too bright for her liking. She couldn't leave because she respected Chawkwas too much to disobey her orders. She flipped on her Omni-tool to message Garrus. As she expected there were messages waiting for her but one caught her eye in particular.

It was from her mother. It was brief which Shepard expected, her mother usually got to the point quickly. Regret pooled in the back of Shepard's mind.

_ How did I forget mom? _

She needed to talk to her face to face. Well, as face to face as they could get being in different parts of the galaxy. Shepard queued up her omnitool but took pause. Her mother would blow a gasket if she saw her in the medbay. She needed to get to her quarters.

She sent Doctor Chawkwas a quick message.

'Mom contacted me, going to my quarters to call her. I'll be back when done.'

She got a response almost instantly.

'Only because it's your mother. Hold on, I'll help you to your cabin.'

Shepard was in pain, in spite of her cybernetics and their healing prowess. She knew better than to try and strain herself so she waited. It was merely moments before Chawkwas slim frame entered the room.

The ride up to Shepard's cabin had been nearly silent. Shepard was anxious and didn't feel like chatting. Chawkwas, ever the intuitive woman, respected her need to think. The conversation she was about to have would probably be difficult.

Chawkwas took her leave and told Shepard to call her when she was done.

Her personal terminal was still logged in and Shepard quickly found her mother's contact information.

Captain Hannah Shepard didn't make her daughter wait for a response.

Their first moments were spent just looking at each other. Shepard inspected her mother carefully. Almost nothing had changed, her hair was slightly grayer but everything else felt the same.

'Mom...' was all Shepard could say before her voice hitched.

'Honey, it is okay. I'm here. Now how about you tell me, what's eating you?'

Shepard was taken aback at her mother's question. Her mom had always been able to read her like a book.

'hmmph, I don't know where I would begin mom. Things never get any easier.'

'Well the beginning would seem the logical place.'

So Shepard began by explaining her ties to Cerberus. It wasn't easy admitting that she had died and been resurrected by the enemy. The horrified look on her mother's face didn't help matters much, but Hannah let her daughter finish. Once Shepard was done talking, her mother's expression changed to one of sorrow. It was obvious she was conflicted. No Alliance soldier liked Cerberus, but no mother could hate the people who saved their child.

'But that isn't everything that's bothering you is it.' Hannah still saw pain in her daughter, pain that was far more personal than who she worked for.

It took Shepard a few moments before she could respond. She used to talk romance with her mom all the time. She was one of the few people in the galaxy she could trust but her mom had been in the first contact war. The Turians had been her enemy, how would she react to her daughter's affections for Garrus?

'It's a guy.'

Hannah could tell there was more but she let her daughter talk at her own pace.

'He's someone I trust and have grown to love in more ways than one.'

'I'm sensing a but here...'

'Yeah, he thinks that my feelings for him aren't real. I mean... You remember the Lieutenant I told you about on the first Normandy? Well, Garrus thinks that I'm trying to replace the Lieutenant with him. It isn't true but I can see where he's coming from. I don't know how to show him how much I care.'

Hannah remembered the marine that her daughter was talking about. He seemed nice enough, didn't seem to have much backbone though. Hannah had met him at her daughter's memorial and could tell that he had loved her. What intrigued her more was that her daughter was talking about someone else. Garrus, she remembered Garrus Vakarian better than anyone else on her daughter's crew. He was the only Turian and the only person that Hannah believed truly knew her daughter. Everyone else had been mourning the Commander or the Savior of the Citadel. But he was the only person mourning Nora Shepard.

'You like Garrus Vakarian?'

Shepard was taken aback by just how much her mother knew.

'I... you know who he is?'

'Honey, I met all your crew after you died.'

The mention of her death made Shepard flinch. It was still difficult to imagine the pain her mother must have gone through.

'And Garrus Vakarian was one of the very few people there that I could actually stand. He knows you and if it takes him a while to realize that, well then, you'll have to learn to be patient.'

Shepard never expected this out of her mother. She wasn't a xenophobe by any standard but Shepard had no way to gauge how her mom would handle this situation. She not only accepted what her daughter said, she basically was giving her blessing.

'Honey, I have reports to file. Let me know the next time you are on the Citadel. I love you.'

'Love you more. Bye mom.'

* * *

Garrus was halfway into the medbay when he realized no one was in the room. Panic struck him suddenly and intensely. What the hell was going on?

He took a breath and tried to rationalize. Shepard had to be on the ship, so it's just a matter of finding her. He began with the A.I. core and started traveling throughout the crew deck. She was nowhere to be found.

Garrus didn't think Chawkwas would willingly let her out of the medbay so soon and knowing Shepard, she was probably hiding. He went down to engineering in the hopes that he could find Shepard using Zaeed's security feeds.

The door was locked and as much as Garrus wanted to find Shepard, he had no desire to disturb Zaeed. He checked the other rooms on the engineering level and when he didn't find her fear began to overwhelm him. Had something else happened?

He tried not to worry too much. He made his way to the elevator when the dread perked up in his mind again. Maybe she was hurt again and too stubborn to notice. It was such a close call when he found her the day before. If anything happened to her… Well, Garrus didn't want to think about it.

EDI had appeared by the elevator silently and Garrus almost didn't notice her presence.

'Garrus, you seem to be searching the ship for something. Do you require assistance?'

It dawned on Garrus that he could have just asked EDI in the first place.

'EDI, where is Shepard.'

'She is currently in her cabin.'

He pressed the button for the top level of the ship and waited and the elevator made the slow ascent. It didn't take long before he was outside Shepard's door. He didn't hear any noise and thought for a moment that he was going to find her sprawled somewhere in a pool of blood. Images from the night before raced through his brain.  _ She's going to be fine. She has to be fine. I can't lose her. _

He opened the door without knocking. He wasn't really thinking about common courtesy; his mind was on what to say to Shepard.

And then he saw her. She was trying to make her way to her bed. It took him three very quick strides to make it to her side and only moments to hold her in his arms. She was warm and inviting in spite of her injuries. Garrus was careful not to hurt her, he knew that he could so easily do so. He nuzzled her neck and listened intently to the sounds of her breathing.

'Shepard… Never, ever, do that again.' With his words he pulled her in closer to him, her body was essentially flush to his armor. He wished that he had worn civvies so that he could feel her warmth. It rapidly became apparent that he needed this closeness.

'Garrus…' Before she could utter anything he placed one talon over her mouth in a quieting gesture.

'Shepard, I love you.' It wasn't the Turian way of doing things but he wasn't a very good Turian. He needed her to know that he needed her.

Garrus saw the tears in her eyes but she was smiling. He had heard about tears of joy and hoped that was what was happening. Shepard leaned in and kissed him. He didn't have lips like a human but hoped it didn’t matter.

Garrus pulled Shepard in close and began to nip and her neck. He reveled in her smell, sweet and clean all at the same time. He took the time to breathe in deeply in the hopes that he could memorize everything about her.

Shepard winced in pain. Garrus paused and looked alarmed, worrying that he had hurt her again.

'The bed, please. My side is still pretty sore. Don't worry you didn't do anything wrong.'

Garrus wasn’t convinced but Shepard grabbed him by the cowl and pulled his face close to hers.

'Trust me Garrus, I am enjoying myself. I would just like to do so from the bed.' A smirk pulled across her face. Garrus realized what she was suggesting and couldn’t stop the chuckle from leaving him.

'As much fun as that could be Shepard, I don't want you to strain yourself.'

He picked her up abruptly and she giggled. Garrus could listen to that sound for an eternity.

* * *

Shepard watched Garrus remove his armor piece by piece. His undersuit was black, in sharp contrast to the blue grey of his skin. He sat in the bed next to her and she helped him adjust the pillows to better support his head and crest. As soon as he laid down, she scooted to be as close to each other as possible. Garrus traced lazy circles on her shoulder with his talon. It left goosebumps on Shepard’s skin and she loved it. It felt utterly normal.

They laid side by side just enjoying each other when Shepard realized the gravity of what Garrus had said.  _ He loves me.  _ She looked at him with a fondness that anyone could envy, Shepard placed a hand on his mandibles and turned his head toward her.

'Garrus, I love you too.'

He pulled her head onto his shoulder and just held her. Being this close to each other felt right; like they were finally whole

'This is perfect.' Garrus said as he nuzzled Shepard's hair.

'Until Chawkwas comes to get me…'

'Yeah, until that.'


	8. Show and Tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lots 'o fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of National Video Game, here's a new chapter!

**Chapter 8: Show and Tell**

Somehow, despite their obvious physical differences, Shepard and Garrus fit perfectly against one another. In the comfort of each other’s arms, both relaxed enough to allow for a deep sleep that they sorely needed. 

Neither of them had been sleeping well since Omega. The stresses of a suicide mission weighed on them equally in different ways. Shepard had to win this fight for the sake of humanity and the galaxy; an unbearable weight for one person to carry. Garrus had been reeling from failure and was struggling to find his footing again. They both could be dead by the end of the mission but at least they could be happy as they walked into hell.

Garrus woke up to a gentle warm breath against his neck. At first confusion washed over him but he began to mentally retrace how he got into this bed and relaxed. He shifted just enough to look at Shepard. Her hair had come undone while she slept and was framing her face in soft waves. Garrus reached up and brushed a few strands back so that he could better see Shepard’s features. 

The furrow that typically graced her brow was gone. The new scars she had been sporting thanks to Cerberus were nearly healed. She was slowly starting to look like the old Shepard. He knew that she had changed since Cerberus rebuilt her but the changes were subtle. She was softer and cared more deeply for her crew. She was fiercer and stronger in battle. She was more reserved around people she disliked. But at her fundamental core, she was still Shepard. He loved her more than he could ever begin to express. 

_ And she loves me! _ The thought soared through his mind and heat rushed through his chest. The most amazing creature in the galaxy laid in his arms because she loved him. 

_ Spirits! What did I do to earn this? _ He would never feel worthy of Shepard or the love she bore him, but he would try day and night to make her happy. 

He didn’t know how long he had been asleep for, but he wasn’t willing to wake Shepard to find out. He pulled her against him and let her head rest against his neck once more. She breathed in deeply but didn’t seem to wake up. 

He wondered how their relationship would change now that they both allowed their feelings to be known. He wanted to spend time with her, go out together, and enjoy each other’s company. He knew it would be nearly impossible with this mission but he still wanted it anyway. He let his thoughts drift off to all the places he wanted to take Shepard and a giddiness settled in his chest.

* * *

Shepard could smell gun oil and a fragrance she didn’t quite have the words to describe. She had been in a dreamless deep sleep that left her feeling better than she had since Cerberus woke her up. She inhaled deeply and let the familiar odors waft into her nose.  _ Garrus. _

She slowly remembered the events that led him to join her in bed. He told her he loved her.  _ I told him I loved him too. _ She tried to quell the worry in her mind that it was too soon to profess such feelings. The progression of their relationship was up to them. If they loved each other then it was the right time to tell each other. 

_ Hell, were both probably going to die soon anyway. _

Bile rose in the back of Shepard’s throat as she allowed the thought to surface. Something bad was always looming around the corner. When she was a kid she dreamed of having her own ship and fighting bad guys but children never fully understand the sacrifices of being a hero. 

Now, she just wanted to run and forget about all the problems she was supposed to fix. She blinked away sleep rapidly, allowing herself to relish in being held. 

'Hey you.' The deep tones of Garrus’ subharmonics rumbled through her. It should have felt foreign to be laying in his arms. He was all angles and plates. She was a soft squishy human. They couldn’t even share food. Still, to Shepard, Garrus spelled comfort.

'Hey.' She squeezed him closer to her. Her side still hurt but she didn’t care. 

'I’m not going anywhere you know.'

'I know, I just… I’m really happy.' She nuzzled his carapace as she spoke.

* * *

Garrus tried not to swell from pride. He resisted the urge to take a picture of her in this moment. He wanted to remember her happy forever. Before he could get lost in the idea for too long, EDI’s voice interrupted their reverie. 

'Commander, Dr. Chawkwas needs to examine you. She would like to come up to your cabin now.'

'Send her up, EDI.' Shepard didn’t move. Garrus wondered briefly if he should leave so that Dr. Chawkwas could examine her. He could have sworn Shepard read his mind and pulled him tighter to her. 

'Stay.'

'I told you, I’m not going anywhere.'

'Good.' Shepard closed her eyes and Garrus couldn’t resist running his fingers down the bridge of her nose and across her cheek, as if committing her to memory. She suddenly went tense and Garrus pulled his hand away in a panic. 

'Shit!' Shepard tried to sit up but immediately went to hold the wound on her side.

'Woah, Shepard. What’s wrong? You need to lay down.'

'Sorry… I was supposed to go back to the medbay last night. Chawkwas is going to kill me!'

'Quite the opposite, Commander. I checked in last night, when I realized that your call couldn’t have possibly been two hours. EDI opened the door and I found the two of you asleep. I ran scans and your vitals were the best they’ve been in ages. Sleep is good for healing, Commander. You need more of it.'

'Sorry Doc.' Garrus moved to sit up in the bed as Shepard did the same for Dr. Chawkwas. He could see the redness in her cheeks from embarrassment. He w

'Shepard, you are my most stubborn patient. If you ever do what I ask without question, I will truly know something is wrong. How was your mother?' Garrus felt his brow plates rise in understanding. She wasn’t in the medbay because she was calling her mom. He felt guilt hit him in the back of the head. He didn’t call home nearly enough.

'She’s a Captain now. The Orizaba with the fifth fleet. She looked good. And as always, she can read me like a book.'

'I expect nothing less from Hannah. Give her my best.' Chawkwas was reviewing the scans as she talked pausing for the briefest moment before continuing. 'Commander, you are on medical leave effective yesterday. I expect you down in the medbay every morning until I clear you for duty. Understood?'

'But…'

'No. You need to heal and the crew needs to know you are at 100% before we even consider going through that relay.' Garrus knew that Chawkwas was right. It would do the crew no good to think that Shepard wasn’t in top shape. 

'She’s right.'

'Ugh, not you too. You’re supposed to be on my side.'

'I am, which is why I agree with Chawkwas. You will do no one any good if you are limping around on the mission.'

'Fine…'

'I’m glad to see that Mr. Vakarian has a good influence on you.' Garrus could see the smile turning the corners on Dr. Chawkwas face. She was normally very professional. He couldn’t help but chuckle. Shepard swatted at his chest playfully but he caught her hand in his. 

Once Chawkwas left the cabin, he nipped at her hand. It was the closest thing Turian’s had to kissing and he hoped that it conveyed the same emotion.

'You know… I wish we were near the Citadel. There’s a place I want to show you.'

'Oh yeah?'

'Yeah, never had someone to show before.'

Garrus kept nipping up Shepard’s wrist, to her arm, and settling in the crook of her neck. Shepard leaned her head back exposing more of her neck to him. Garrus knew that it probably didn’t mean the same thing to humans. One day, he would explain it to her. Right now he was going to enjoy her scent and warmth wafting up to him. 

'Hey Big Guy, I can’t…' Shepard moaned and Garrus stilled. She was still hurt and he was getting ahead of himself.

'Sorry, I know. Got a little carried away.'

'It’s okay Garrus, more than okay. We’ll get there.'

'I’m looking forward to it, Shepard.'

'Hey, why do you only call me Shepard?'

Garrus stopped to think for a moment before answering. He didn’t really have a great answer.

'I suppose it's a habit. I called you Commander on the SR-1 because that was habit too. Turians are pretty strict about Hierarchy.'

'You better love me and not my titles… since I’m pretty sure I don’t have them anymore.' She chuckled and shoved him playfully.

'Oh, I respect Commander Shepard but I love you.' Garrus punctuated his words by running his talon down Shepard’s side.

'Call me Nora when we’re not working.' There was a breathiness in her voice. 

'I can do that.' He had known her first name since before he met her but had never used it. She had called him Garrus since the SR-1. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t done the same. He imagined it had to do with the rest of the crew. Not a soul called her Nora except for Anderson. And Anderson usually only did it when he was reprimanding her.

'Good. Now what shall we do all day?'

'How about we start with breakfast?' He knew she hadn’t had anything to eat since before heading down to the heretic station. He also knew that as a biotic, she needed more food than most. 

'Gardner is going to have a field day with this.' 

'Is that a human saying?'

'You’ve never heard that one?'

'I don’t think so.'

'Chawkwas has put me on bedrest which means that EDI won’t let me leave this level. So I either have to ask Gardner to bring up our food… Or I have to send you down to get it. Either way…'

'He’s going to think something happened.'

'Yup.'

'Do you not want that?' The worry came unbidden and Garrus tried to swallow it down. Shepard never cared what others thought of her choices, so why did this bother him?

'Garrus, look at me. I will never be ashamed of you. Let the whole damn ship gossip. If you’re happy, I’m happy.'

'That is music to my ears.' He leaned into her neck and nipped at her pulse point.  _ I’m never going to get tired of that. _

'But somehow you know that one?!' Shepard giggled as she spoke, her voice rising slightly.

Garrus laughed. He didn’t want to leave but slowly remembered Shepard needed to eat. He breathed her in once more before getting up to put on his armor.

'Okay, I’ll go down. I should change anyway, armor was not my smartest move.' 

'I don’t think I’ve ever really seen you in civvies.' 

Garrus realized that she was right. Anytime they went out, he at least wore light armor. Since Omega, he tended to sport heavy armor, it felt safer. Still, Shepard had either seen him in armor… or undergarments. Garrus felt the heat pooling low in his stomach but pushed it aside. Shepard was still healing and he had no idea how any of it would work anyway. 

'Well, I guess I have to fix that.

'Come here first.' Her voice suddenly took on a husky tone and Garrus found it difficult to quell the heat that was now spreading through his chest. 

He still hadn’t put on his chest plate but went to her first. She pulled him down by his cowl and kissed him. Their tongues met and brought his hand up to cup the back of her head.

He pulled away slowly and reluctantly.

“You’re never going to eat if you keep doing that.”

“Fine…” Shepard flopped back down against her pillow with a huff.

Garrus put on his chest plate and headed down to the mess. 

When he stepped out of the elevator the ship felt oddly quiet. He knew that everyone would be off in secluded corners preparing, sending their last messages to loved ones. He pulled up his omni-tool and started drafting a message to his sister.

He stopped at the kitchen, where Gardner was making what Garrus had learned were eggs. There wasn’t a Turian equivalent and the thought of eating another animal's ovum was off putting. Still many humans liked the eggs, hopefully Shepard did too.

‘Good Morning.’ Garrus said as a way to get Gardner’s attention.

‘Vakarian, what can I do for you?’

Suddenly, Garrus wasn’t sure what to say.  _ Why do I feel like a fledgling with a girl in my room? _ He pushed aside all his reservations and asked for both Shepard’s and his breakfasts.

Gardners eyebrow shot up but he didn’t comment.

‘Should only be a couple of minutes.’

‘Thank you. I’ll be right back.’

‘I’ll be here.’

Garrus walked away before the interaction could get any more awkward. He entered the main battery and finished drafting his message to Sol. He grabbed the only clothes he had that weren’t underarmor and dressed. He stacked his armor neatly on his cot and turned to head back out to the mess. 

Gardner had both his and Shepard’s meals color coded and laid out on a tray. Garrus picked it up and muttered a quick thanks before heading to the elevator. He only caught the tail end of Gardner teasing him for dressing up for the Commander but he didn’t care. 

His mood had shifted. He was excited to share a meal with Nora.

The elevator doors opened and Jacob stood blinking at Garrus. Jacob looked down at the tray and back at Garrus. Garrus recognized the question in his eyes. Garrus decided against saying anything. He stepped aside to allow Jacob out of the elevator and quickly keyed the code for the Captain’s deck as soon as he was inside.

* * *

Shepard allowed herself the luxury of relaxing in bed. She didn’t really like her cabin. The giant window reminded her of being spaced so she kept it shuttered. The blue glow of the fish tank was distracting. But she allowed herself to let go and sink into the bed. The pillows smelled like Garrus. 

She spread out and stretched. The pain in her side kept her from fully relaxing but she made due. She stayed in bed for as long as possible. But eventually, she needed the restroom. She groaned as she stood. The pain in her side was worse, probably because the pain meds had worn off. 

She took a few steps before she needed to brace herself against the wall. At least one wall, well actually a fish tank, ran the length of the cabin. She took a few steadying breaths before continuing on. She reached the steps and cursed out loud. She had to take them one at a time to avoid bending too far. She wondered if she should ask Chawkwas for something more for the pain. Shepard thought better of it. If she admitted that it hurt, Chawkwas would keep her on medical leave for longer. They needed to end this mission before morale tanked and Shepard couldn’t afford any additional delays.

Shepard was out of breath at the top of the stairs. She needed to sit and managed to pull herself to her desk. She sank with a thump and winced as pain shot through her side.

The door to her cabin opened just as she sat down. Garrus had a tray in his hand and stopped in his tracks when he saw her. The coffee nearly spilled with the sudden stop. Garrus recovered quickly and placed the tray down on the desk.

'That eager for me to come back?' Shepard could hear the concern underlying his teasing. She wanted to brush it off but Garrus had found her. She had been shaken when he was hurt on Omega so she could imagine how he was feeling now. She smiled at Garrus hoping the gesture was reassuring.

'Always… but I was also trying to shower, brush my teeth, and generally use the bathroom.' She was clearly out of breath. 

'I could help.' Shepard heard a change in his subharmonics and wanted to know what it meant. She could tell when the tone and quality changed but was still learning what the definitions were for each variation. This was a new sound and she didn’t have enough context to place it.

'Very funny, I just need a minute.' 

'Nora, let me help.' She could hear the plea in his voice. He was worried about her. 

Shepard wanted to say no. She hated being weak but she knew that wasn’t what Garrus saw. He never treated her as less than capable. They were always equals on and off the battlefield. Garrus teased her about her aim but she would get him right back about his inability to duck. But neither ever believed that the other was weak. Shepard finally relented.

'Okay. But you are not watching me pee.'

'That would be kind of weird.' Garrus chuckled as he put his arm around her waist. Shepard noticed that he was careful not to touch her wound. 

'Glad we agree.' She noticed for the first time just how gentle he could be. His talons were feather light against her which was entirely unexpected. They were sharp and deadly but Garrus was careful. The contrast was thrilling. Shepard would try to understand that later.

Garrus only let go of Shepard, once she had her hands planted firmly on the sink. 

'I’ll be right outside. You have five minutes before I knock though… I’m not repeating last time.' Shepard knew he was trying to deflect with humor but there was a haunted look in his eyes. He could still see her dying on the floor. 

'I’ll holler if I see blood.' She tried to make a joke of the situation but Garrus looked pained.

'Not funny.'

'I know, I’m sorry. I’ll be fine.' She tried to reassure him but could tell he wasn’t convinced.

'Okay.'

* * *

Garrus sat at the desk that Shepard just vacated. He pulled the tray of food toward himself and tried to eat. The image of Shepard on the floor, covered in her own blood, flooded his mind. He stopped trying to eat, it was pointless. 

He stood up again and started to pace the small office area. He found himself leaning against the bathroom door to listen in. He could hear the sink running and tried to calm his mind.  _ She’s fine. _

He continued his pacing, counting down the five minutes in his head. He knew he was overreacting but she could barely stand. He wouldn’t forgive himself if she got worse.

Garrus was so lost in his own thoughts he nearly missed her calling for help. He was in the bathroom before he had time to think about knocking.

'You okay in here?' He scanned her as he asked the question, looking for blood.

'Yeah, just can’t stand up for long.' Garrus let out the breath he had been holding. He could see her vitals in his visor, they were strong. 

'How can I help?' He tried not to let the tension into his voice. 

'Can you start the water? I’m going to work on getting undressed.'

Garrus moved toward the shower. He turned on the water and set it to a comfortable temperature. He realized that he wasn’t sure if it would be comfortable for her though. Garrus turned around to ask and stopped before he could utter a word. Shepard stood before him, naked. 

If he had any sense, he would have kept his eyes on her face. He had never seen her naked before and couldn’t stop his gaze from the angry scar along her torso. She had removed the bandage too allowing him a full view of just how bad it was. 

Garrus felt his breath hitch. He closed the distance between them and ran his hand just along the outside.

'I’m okay.' Shepard’s voice was soft and soothing. Garrus couldn’t look away from the wound though.

'I know… Still wasn’t easy to see you like that.'

'I’m sorry.' He could hear the remorse in her voice and looked up to meet her eyes.

'I know. Hold on one second.' Garrus led her to lean against the sink. He started to unfasten his tunic. If he was going to help her in the shower again, he was at least going to have dry clothes waiting for him after.

Garrus could feel Shepard’s eyes on him.

'Like what you see?' Garrus teased.

'Yes, although I’m not sure what I am seeing.'

Garrus chuckled. He knew enough about humans from his time at c-sec. He imagined Shepard didn’t have the same exposure.

'Didn’t read Mordin’s pamphlets?' Shepard turned crimson at his question. 

'He got to you too?' Garrus couldn’t quite place the emotion in her voice but he found it endearing.

'Yeah, he walked into the battery saying something along the lines of “Shepard’s health paramount to success of mission” before handing me a data pad.’ While he had been mortified at the time, he was glad to have some reference material that wasn’t Fornax.

‘Did you read it?’ 

‘I skimmed the index. Didn’t really get past that though.’

‘Made it farther than me… I like “show and tell” better anyway.’ The huskiness was back in Shepard’s voice and Garrus had to will his body not to respond. He found it increasingly difficult.

‘You’re still injured…’

‘I said show and tell… nothing about touching.’ He recognized the mischievous look on her face and smiled. 

‘Why don’t I believe you?’

‘Because you know better.’ She winked at him as he led her into the shower. As much as he liked the idea of show and tell, she was struggling to stay on her feet. He knew enough to help her wash her hair and body. After that, she had to explain the conditioner, which elicited a fit of giggles that made him want to pick her up and carry her to the bed. He shook his head and refocused.

He let her take the lead on washing the gash along her torso. She was surprisingly gentle and Garrus knew that it hurt worse than she was letting on. As soon as they were done, Garrus scooped Shepard up like an infant, intending to carry her straight back to bed. She let out a sound he had never heard before and stopped in his tracks. 

‘What was that?’

‘What?’

‘The noise you just made.’

‘I believe that would be classified as a squeal.’

‘Is that a good sound or a bad sound?’

‘Depends, it can be either. In this case it was good. When it’s bad, it sounds more like a shriek.’

Garrus shook his head but smiled.

‘Humans are weird.’

‘Turians too. Sounds like we’re perfect for each other.’

* * *

Garrus laid Shepard down on the bed, tucking her under the covers. He went around to the other side sliding under the covers so that he was looking down at Shepard. Shepard snuggled up to him, finding comfort in his hard plates.

‘You are warm.’ She said sleepily.

‘Is that why you like to cuddle?’

‘Nope, cuddling not big with Turians?’

‘Nope, but I’m coming around to it.’

‘Good… There’s nowhere else I want to be right now.’

‘Me either, although, I was promised show and tell.’

‘Ask and you shall receive.’ Shepard felt her heart rate rising. She was naked and in bed with Garrus but it was the way he looked at her that felt intimate, like he was searching for truth in her eyes. 

Garrus was quiet for a long while, looking over Shepard’s features. Shepard wondered if he was unsure where to start or whether he had doubts about them together. She was spiraling at the idea that he might walk away. Finally, he laid a talon on her head and ran the digit through her hair. Shepard leaned into the touch. 

‘I know this is hair but… what...why… I don’t know anything about hair.’

Shepard laughed as she answered.

‘Hair was originally for warmth, I think. An evolutionary biologist could give you a better idea. We technically have hair nearly everywhere but some is very fine.’ Shepard lifted her arm to show him the tiny hairs there. 

‘Your turn.’ Garrus said as he continued to play with Shepard’s hair. It was soothing and she was glad that he didn’t stop.

‘Mhmm… I guess I don’t know anything about your talons. You are surprisingly gentle with them.’

‘I have them filed down which helps.’ Garrus continued his teasing of Shepard's scalp before he explained his talons further. ‘They can be pretty sharp. We have to take care of them or they can crack. Most Turian’s living on the Citadel, or anywhere with Asari, Humans, or Salarian, will generally file them down a little bit. Cutting them is shameful though… Your turn.’

Shepard was starting to fall asleep. Garrus playing with her hair wasn’t helping.

‘Mmhmm… mouth plates.’ Garrus chuckled and the sound reverberated through Shepard and the bed. She closed her eyes fully and just allowed the sounds to wash over her. 

‘You still need to eat, you know?’ Garrus teased. Shepard just grumbled and pulled him closer. ‘Mouth plates are thinner. They have to be since we need to move our mouth plates to talk and eat. They aren’t as flexible as lips but we manage.’

Shepard answered by mumbling into Garrus’ chest.

‘Sleep Nora. The food and the “show and tell” will both still be here when you wake up.’

Garrus pulled her closer as she fell under.


End file.
